One of the many firsts...

"Remember the days when we would drive,
Into the night we watched the skies
Of summer, so full of colour, and,
Remember the days when waves would roll,
Up on the beach, to touch our toes,
On soft sand, my hand in yours, and your
Heart in mine"

My first ever concert experience. :)
Many times, I thought of you when I heard Faber Drive sing.
I felt I could relate to every word, within the lyrics.
I wish you were there with me.

Best part was when Faber Drive did a cover of Owl City's Fireflies.
Which happen to be mine and Christine's theme song.

Stepping outside my shell

I was browsing through photos on facebook.
My prom photos.
Arts banquet.
Drama. Model UN....

Memories of the past that I very much miss.
It gave me a feeling.

It made me feel older.
I was youthful. Happier. Livelier.

More fun.
I think I've loss much of those qualities since I moved here.
It came with maturity.

I think I've become boring.
Serious. Academically focused.

I want to be youthful. Happier. Livelier again.
I wonder if I can bring it back.

Will make that my goal for the winter.

Operation: Redemption

Epic.
Today was honestly epic.
Two other halves of mine,
My spontaneous-partner-in-crime-bestfriend (who thought we'd both lost creativity)
&
My super-sexy-outrageous-boyfriend.
Okay, so we make an interesting team. :) We were on a mission after all. What could be so much cooler than that, right?

Between heading to Mac's to sell a kidney for a playboy magazine (err..lol) and a bag of chips (total failure).
To midgetville and sketchy places.
Plus playing ball in a grocery store hitting some guy.
I thought today was perfect.

It's nice to reconcile the two favorite people in my life together with me.
Best part was walking and linking arms together. And I was in between. <3

Of familiar feeling & leaving

A week ago, I had my bags packed. I was in my room. And I was heavy hearted to leave Ottawa.
Never before have I felt like this.
I wanted to stay. Lock myself up in my room.
Miss my bus to Toronto on purpose. Rip my tickets to pieces.

But I didn't.
I know I couldn't.
Because half of my life is here.
Now I'm sitting on my sofa bed, across my sister asleep on my bed. (I have 2 beds in my room).
My boyfriend is on webcam, eating chicken..hehe. And I hear my parents laughing downstairs.
I feel silly for not wanting to be here. For thinking it was the end of the world.
A crisis.
I overreacted. Maybe. It felt like oblivion.

I hate being all sensitive and emotional. That side of me has emerged quite frequently.
I hope it goes away someday.

Well. I made it. Now I'm headed back to Ottawa, and the familiar feeling of drudgery is back.
I love this feeling....

Such a curiosity...

I woke up today with Tara McLean's song You, ringing in my head.
I was wishing physically to be someplace else.

But I have everything now.
I couldn't be happier, really.

This is just another one of life's compromises.
Waiting makes everything worth it...

In my shell

I think I've become a hermit.
Anti-social.
I spent much of my time by myself.
Always in the library.
I'm reluctant to be with anyone.

Winter blues, maybe.

First snow of the year.

I just walked to campus this morning.
It was lovely.
Walking in the flurries,
Passing by the Rideau Canal...
& I had you in mind
Everything felt like it was going to be okay.
I love the feeling.

You are mine :)

The rain like glitter slid down
& I've been through this many times
I'd reflect on my weekend.
Analyzing my favorite moments.
& As the wheels turned,
I'd be miles away from you.
Inside, my heart felt strange.
It surprised me.

Funny.
How songs came playing into my head the moment the bus moved.
Weird.
How five hours later, I saw you.
But you felt so far away.

I should be used to this.
But I secretly don't want to.

But last night I saw side of you emerging.
It wasn't the silly side.
No.
Well I've seen that.
Neither was it the confused.
Nor annoyed, mad, or hurt.

I don't know what it was.
...that side that I saw.
Seeing you reflecting on your past.
Reminiscing your childhood.
I saw what was inside of you.

You are beautiful.

Bliss.

I'm back in the library.
All calm, and relaxed...it's muggy out. But strangely, I kinda like it.
I am in an unnaturally good mood.
And I don't know why.

So I finished my FYSM comparison essay.
I have yet to start my Human Rights Proposal.
But I need inspiration, I have no idea what I'm gonna write about.
Who cares?
I'm in a good mood.

God, I hate myself for feeling so randomly happy.
I don't know why.

Mmmm...it's only 2:30.
Okay, so now I'm looking at people out the library window.
They look so tiny. In winter coats and boots. The trees are naked.
& I'm smiling.
Smiling, even though the person beside me smells like a pack of cigarettes.....
Maybe my smile will scare her away.

Deconstruct this thought.

I have a funny feeling in my heart.
I feel it each time, after we fight. It would sober me up.
I felt last night, when I talked to you on the phone.
& I felt it when I listen to the song you sent me just now.

I don't know what it is. I don't know why I feel it.
But it scares me sometimes.
It scares me in a good way, I guess.
Because everytime I feel this way, I realize how much of me you really have.
I'm afraid to lose you.

My head.

I spent at lest 8 hours in the library today.
My brain is suffocated
Head feels heavy.
Maybe it expanded.

From absorbing all that info

I'm so tired.
But I should be ready.
Women's Studies Exam tomorrow!
Wish me luck.

Absent but present.

I just chatted with an uncle.
Who have disappeared from my life for years.
My mom seldom speaks of him.
I have many times forgotten his existence.
But tonight I remember him.
I remember my childhood memories with him.

I was probably six years old.
Last time I saw him, I was leaving Singapore in 2006, and it was brief. Like a phantom.

I had a funny feeling when I chatted with him.
This feeling of bond...I think.

That feeling surfaced even more when he told me that he misses and loves me.
And when he told me to tell my mom the same thing, my heart broke to a million pieces. I know she misses him too.

There's beauty in this. Something good emerging, and I can sense it.

Right now, I feel like I have the world in my hands.
I think this is happiness.

Yeah.
I'm happy.

Blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese.

I hate the feeling of having to leave home.
Yesterday was my fourth time, leaving Toronto for Ottawa.
At the same time, I hope I continue to feel this way.
Continue to miss home.
Anticipate being my family.
It makes us stronger and closer, no?

This always happens.
It's becoming routine, but I get sentimental and quiet on the bus back.
I would reflect on the weekend being wonderful.
And as the wheel of the bus turns, so did my mind.

I'm in the library now.
Been sitting here for about 8 hours. But not consecutively, or my bum would hurt.
I took breaks, went to tutorial, had dinner and sat for the interview with my lecturer.
My Women's and Gender Studies exam is on thursday.
I've got enough covered. For tonight that is.

:)My title for this post is random but I officially declare it my favorite.
Just thought you'd like to know, I started the morning with blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese, chocolate danish and a large french vanilla. Yummy

Now, I think I'm tired enough to going home.
Bye.

Where the heart is

Yesterday, I was sitting at the Uni Centre.
Reading "The Shock Doctrine" by Naomi Klein.
I finished 3 pages of it, until someting uncommon occured.
Diagonally across, a white male fainted.
Then he started going into a trance...of seizure and became uncontrollable.
The student paramedics came and tried to stop him from rolling off down the stairs.

Then firemen and police arrived.
There were 6 of them.
Who tried to restrain the boy, who laid on the ground. Moaning in pain.

I later figured, it was an epilepsy attack.
& felt a mixture of fear, pity and guilt.
Fear because I was afraid of violent attack. I could've been victimized

Pity, for the injustice, that he had to go through what he did.

And guilt. For feeling fear. Which may sound a little irrational.

I headed on the bus back to Sauga last night, with Nabil.
Nothing much to say, except it was a long bus ride. And I accomplished some reading.

Today was wonderful.
My boyfriend is super sweet. I love the gift. The lotion and lipbalm. :) I'm gonna smell pretty! Yay!

Met up with Mr. Kontos and had the opportunity to be in the office with the Social Science Department Teachers. It was quite fascinating to see teachers in their 'zone'. I heard Kontos dropped the 'f'-bomb and it was AWESOME. lol. Mr. Breen was my grade 10 History teacher and it was cool to reconnect with him.

Kontos and I had the chance to talk about commencement, just reflecting on the night. He mentioned how there was an overwhelming feeling of warmth and love by being within the presence of my family, that commencement night. His favorite moment, was after the ceremony. When my sister, Irah, came to hug me and say how proud she was of me...

l felt like I was glowing, when he said that.
That I was blinded but given sight....
I have taken many things, and relationships for granted

Just two hours ago, I was out with my parents and youngest sis. We were at Wal-Mart.

I saw something that touched my heart.

It was the sight of my mom and dad, holding hands.

It was wonderful, seeing that. I felt secure. Safe. Love. Warmth....
Just the notion that my family is unbreakable. There is unconditional love existent.

I truly felt at home.

P.S. I suppressed my craving for durian! My parents bought tonnes for me.

<3

Bob the Builder

I nearly fell asleep in Philo. Well, I took notes half asleep, daydreaming about how women of John Locke's era found him attractive.
For one thing, he's got more hair than I do.
Gorgeous, I know.
Intellectually, he's brilliant

I'm just trying to get my sugar level to rise now, just before I start the essay.
Snacking on granola, grapes and strawberries. Turning myself slowly into a health nut.

To my right I see a huge crane out the window, with equipements dangling down and pointy objects.
Front row seats to watch construction workers at work.
I like the yellow hard hats they wear. Makes them look cool.
If only they have yellow boots....and checkered red shirt underneath denim overalls....
Hehe..I'd be surrounded by Bob the Builders. Many of them!

Okay, I just picked the weirdest spot in the library.
And I am amused by it.

Good thing I can see some trees.
And at least, there's sunlight.
I get more sunlight than the average person on this long table....One window to my right, and one more in front of me. Because I'm in the corner...heeeheee I feel kinda special =P
So the sugar is kicking in.
I'll try get off facebook and start nerding :)

Pages

All around you crowded
But the silence itself speaks
Your mindless thoughts betrayed you
What fills within underneath

Trapped between confusion,
Hiding behind the aisle
This loneliness surrounds
Suppressing you tried,
Denied.

For every line you read
And every word pronounced
Reflected back to these pages
Mind wandering through
In haze.

So you stared ahead to the glass
Where daylight ray slid in
Once tinge of orange lit trees
Now dark light is all you see.

While you sit within this nothingness
Succumb to your ambition
Realize that you’re restless
In mind, you sought for peace.

Sunday Afternoon in the Library

I'm begining to find myself on the fourth floor of the library more frequently.
It's a Sunday afternoon.

To my left is an opened course package for Human Rights.
My mission for the next five hours of my life:

to reread, analyze and formulate a thesis on the article

"Columbus and the War on Indigenous Peoples"

I've read it once. I planned on finishing this by Tuesday.
Was supposed to formulate a thesis on Friday. So I'm behind.
But really, I'm ahead of my game. It's due next Monday.
I'll get it done by Tuesday, for sure.

Alright, let me just say that for the past hour here, I managed to:

read one article, "Slave Trade & The New World"

Finished one large cup of French Vanilla

Messaged my boyfriend
And stare at the greens and balding trees outside.

And now I'm blogging.

Well, it's something right?
I'm ambitious but I'll get my arguments for my paper by the end of the day

I'm serious.

No, really.

I'm tired.

Because last night was awesome.

After nerding in the library for four hours,

We headed to the mall with the malay girls plus Mexican Steph, who is the birthday girl!
She's real cool. Will be teaching me to Salsa soontimes =)
After the mall and the one hour bus ride, we headed to my house.
Made lasagna and scalloped potato.
And waited til midnight to surprise Steph with a chocolate ice cream cake.
We played music, rocked out and danced after, all was fun. They left at around 2.

& now back to nerding.

Expressions & Emotions

Protest against tuition fee rally today.
It was fun. There is something magical about being in a group.
Voicing out for the same cause.
A feeling of "Empowerment".

I remember, shouting "DROP WHAT?" and everyone responding "DROP FEES!".
And it felt really nice.
There is unison.
Strength.
Freedom of expression is powerful.

Aleema and I headed to the National Gallery after.
We first stopped at Starbucks.

I have a new fave drink now.

Peppermint white chocolate mocha :)

We decided to cool off from the protest and look at Canadian art pieces.
Daphne Odjig and Miller Brittain currently have their works being showcased.
Some paintings spoke out to me.
It came to life, and truly expressed the emotional struggles of the artists.
Particularly Odjig's, who is of native descent.
She had works portraying aboriginal suffering, confusion, isolation & reintegration.
Coincidentally, Aleema and I just learned in Human Rights of the aboriginal inhumane displacement.
We felt that Odjig's artwork reflected on the ethnographic perspective of the natives.
Eye-opening, emotionally understood spoke to us, I suppose.

There's a certain beauty in art.
It is subjective.
Beauty is determined on how you relate to it.
Miller Brittain's work varied from the Great Depression era to the World War II.
His WWII pieces were a little scary.

I felt sophisticated going to the art gallery.
& I felt like a radical protesting today.
I felt I experience two opposite spectrums of expressions.
On the same day.

Justify, justice...& just plain confused

I'm sitting in the library again, with the intention to begin critically analyzing an article about Columbus.
But I don't feel like reading. It's plain depressing.
And Columbus is a douche who contributed to the annhilation of the indigenous population
I want to write.
Write to clear my mind.
I am a little teensy bit troubled.
But I'll be okay.
I always am okay.

A friend of mine walked out of law lecture today. She was missing half the lecture.
Then I found her. Sitting outside the hall, staring. I asked her what happened, and she told me she doesn't know anymore. Then she looked at me, and she cried.

Three years ago, her uncle was murdered. It seemed unreal to be sitting beside her, after hearing that. I constantly find myself engaging in a conversation with someone who's been victimized by violence and crime.

Yeah, the world sucks. It is filled with a lot of twisted and sick human being.

Today, my friend studies law. She made a vow to bring justice to her uncle. And as she sat in the lecture today, she doubted.
She doubted her ambition.
She doesn't think she can handle seeing those victimized by the crime.
& she explained how the complexity of law, the corruption and flaw....she just didn't think she could handle it.

I decided she couldn't be left alone. I have sunk to the bottom before, and it sucks when the walls cave in and you have noone beside you. So I skipped tutorial. I took my friend out for a walk, and we talked.
Talked about our future.
About corruption in every occupation.
About the inevitability of it
And we talked about change.

She had her heart set on prosecuting. Becoming a criminal prosecutor, sending all the bad guys to jail. And now she is just unsure. She fears being trapped into corruption. But she came to realization that, if nobody changes the system...who will?

I agree with her whole heartedly. But in the end, it is easier said than done.
My friend brought into my mind many questions.

To what extend can we change 'the system'?
WHY DO WE BOTHER?

To my last question, I'd say because we try to be altruistic. Because we want to defy selfishness. Because we want everyone to live in justice. But...the concept of justice lacks universality. It is complex. Ambiguous. Subjective. At the end of the day, I feel like people like myself...we try to change the system so it fits our definition of justice. Which will disadvantage someone else's definition, of course. So really, we're all selfish.

It's a circular argument.
I know.
Or I'm just not thinking properly.
Point is, we're all so different, why do we want universalize justice?

So my friend has something in common with me. We both are ambitious. We want to be lawyers. We both want to change the world.
But we just don't know how.

The Good Stuff

My fingers are higlighter stained.
With 4 different colours.
Pink. Green. Yellow. Blue.
I'm getting caught up with my readings.
& trying to read ahead. Knowing full well midterms are on the way.

I found my favourite library corner, it's on the fourth floor.
As I look out the window, I see the setting sun rays glowing on the empty branches of a tree.
It's a prophesy of winter...

I can actually see tonnes of trees, really.
I love trees.
I can ponder the aesthethic of a tree all day.
Maybe not now.

So I happen to be in a better mood today.
An A in my philo midterm, is the sole reason.
92.8%..yay!
Gosh I am such a nerd. I feel so stupid for being emo over a B.
But then again, it wasn't my first B, and I was annoyed with the ambiguous system....still am.
& there's the whole house thing.....I'm going home late tonight to see what happens. :)

My second cup of french vanilla has kicked in.
Break is over.

My rant

In my sink, empty dirty dishes laid.
My fridge is slowly emptying. We're out of meat, milk, bread, and there's 2 eggs left.
The garbage pile was surrounding my kitchen.
Pearl helped me take out the trash before we left for class.
I had a cup of coffee before I left.
My stomach growled during a lecture.

I figured it wasn't going to be a good day.

True enough.

Another B on my essay.
As the day progressed, I learned to accept the grade as it is.
My mistake, quit sounding like a high school student.
Suck it up.
Do better next time.

Right.
I can handle that.

Now I'm sitting at home. I'm all alone in my room. My housemates are home.
My kitchen is as it was this morning, minus the garbage.
There's nothing to eat.

So, this is my life in a nutshell.
I am expected to clean.
To cook. Get groceries...

While all at the same time, maintain my grade as I spent thousands of dollars (my money, through student loan. NOT my parents' I should add) just to enter this institution.

& every evening, I become mentally exhausted.
Insecured.
Alone.
Uncared for.

Life goes on.

Daylights saving

Sun is shining through my window pane.
It's only 12 noon.
I woke up half hour ago. Still in bed, under my comforter with my laptop on my lap.

Today should be a good day.
I am in a much lighter mood.
& it's not cloudy out.

Pearl crashed over last night.
She's working on her artwork as we speak. She made a card. With a submarine pop-up.
Knowing full well I am a Beatles Fan. :)
Oh, the yellow submarine.

We're making lunch together later.
Salmon, Pasta & Scalloped Potatoes.

Calming Calamity

From where I'm standing, I find peace.
There's the city light. The canal is calm.
Moonlit night. A reminder of summer.
& I'm thinking of him.
To my left is the parliament.

My friends to my side. We watch in silence.
Tranquil.
Every inch of me embracing serenity.
I look to my friends.......

they are all staring at peace.

This morning I felt alone.
I stayed in bed. My head was heavy.

& underneath my covers, I tried to read.
But my thoughts drifted
To memories....and 'what ifs'
And wishing to be at home

Last night, I felt the walls caving in,
My thoughts were scattered.
And filled

I thought it might explode.

Right now, I miss everyone.

It's been two months and I go home every two weeks
I find it ridiculous that I am homesick....

My Human Rights Crew.

These are people who will support me.
& I truly hope they find secure and comfort from me...like I do with them

Overloaded & Piled

I honestly vow that I will defy the myth that states first years drop 15% in marks.
So I just finished my law case commentary.
It's due tomorrow. Last minute, I know.
My excuse: it has been a busy weekend. I was afterall Valedictorian, and that took much of my time.
I'm mentally drained.
My laundry pile is getting higher.
I have class until 5pm tomorrow.
& have to figure out what's for dinner.

So much responsibilities.
So little time.
It is honestly exhausting me.

I'll start thinking of Human Rights thesis tomorrow and will finish it weeks in advance.

I can do this...

This was my night

I woke up this morning, with the familiar feeling of new beginning...a detached and near distant sense of high school life, slowly drifting away.

Last night, as I walked in the living arts centre, familiar faces surrounded me.
There was this feeling of warmth, and familiarity that I was very much comforted by.
In between hugging teachers and engaging in conversations with them, I had a brief vision of my high school memories with each of them, that made me realize how fast time really flew by.

I was in a robe. With a hat that pronounced a rite of passage of entering a new phase in life. And a sash, signifying a childhood dream come true...I was valedictorian.

As I walked into the theatre, with Mr. Kontos in front of me while principal Mr. Cianfrini behind, and headed towards the platform, I was overwhelmed with a feeling I can't explain. I think it was pride, happiness and nervousness. And when I looked at my mom, giving me a thumbs up and smiling at me, I felt that I owe all of this to her...

So came the time i crossed the stage to pick up my diploma and awards.
Each step I took, it felt like I was so much closer to the oblivion that lies ahead.

Throughout the ceremony, Mr. Kontos joked frequently to calm my nervousness. And when he stood up to introduce me before my speech, I realized how much this man has truly influenced myself. His speech touched me greatly and I saw how it brought my mom to tears...Seeing that, made me feel weak, and the teachers that surrounded behind me wished me luck just before I head off to deliver the valedictory address I have long awaited for.

I was nervous, but I tried hard to hide it. I had a strength when I looked at my mom and with that I started my speech.

I spoke words I felt from within, my heart soared at the end of my speech. A sense of victory. And accomplished moment. A reality felt like a dream.
As I looked in front of me, I was overwhelmed to see everyone standing and applauding.
My first ever standing ovation.
And I owe it all to my mom, the woman who continues to inspire me

Truly a night to remember...

Bits of my day.

Philosophy.
Philosophize.
First ever Uni Exam today.
=) Think I did well.

Finished my Latin America Essay.
Practiced speech for commencement....

Omigawd I am so nervous.

Back home to Saugy Sauga tomorrow!
:)

C'est la vie

Im sitting facing the beautiful orange trees at the library.
My books are opened beside me,
I have a cup of French Vanilla to my right.

You know you're a uni student when everywhere you go,

You carry a paper cup or a coffee mug.

It has become some sort of a trend or fashion statement.

And I've sadly conformed.

I need caffeine or sugar to focus.

But it hasn't kicked in yet

With 2 essays to write, and a philo midterm on Tuesday

Plus my valedictorian speech.

I'm procrastinating, and blogging.

This is life.

Home sweet home;

My bus ride home was memorable.
5 Hours of Catching Up Time with my dear awesome-awkward-half, Reema.

There is this overwhelming sweet feeling of comfort once we arrived in Toronto.
The moment I saw the CN Tower, I had a sudden feel of security. Weird, I know.

Mom and dad picked me up from the bus terminal. I arrived five minutes past midnight and realized how much I'd missed them. It feels wonderful to be home, but my sisters were asleep. I was half awake when they woke up at 7 and jumped on my bed. Usually, I would've been annoyed but not this time, because I missed their craziness.

Met up with Mr. Kontos too and had a forty-five minute conversation with him regarding uni life and my valedictorian speech. It was definitely a different feel walking into the high school again. Even more was the way Kontos looked at me as an adult, not just a student...

In the rain, Adrita and I ran to Second Cup at night. I missed her presence and singing in the rain on the streets with her...that was what we did, while catching up with the old times.

=) Sweetest of all, I spent the whole day with llama together with my family. I've combined two aspects of my life I find easy to be myself around.

Life is wonderful;

Shaf leaves her O-Town room, encore =]

There's a pile of unfold clothes in an Ikea bag at the corner of my room.
I have random coins, waterbottles and empty containers on my desks...
My bed is unmade.

I'm so unmotivated to clean this room.

Welcome to Independence + Uni World.

Truth is, I kinda miss having mom yell at me to keep my room clean.
But it's alright, I'm coming home tonight!

=) So I guess I should leave for campus now and head to my morning routine.
My bags are packed, all that's left is coffee.

Mmmmm COFFEE.

I am so mellow without you.

Maybe I'll blog again on the bus home tonight?
Meanwhile, I'm gonna go head to my first class, PHILOSOPHY.

We're on to Machiavelli's Political Philosophy.
I hated him 3 months ago.
I thought he's a sadist, power-loving, FREAK

But recently, I find myself understanding him.
He just had it hard in his time, that's all.

I'm gonna say adieu to my messy Ottawa room now...

Later beans <3

This is my morning routine...

A coffee mug in my hand, and a bag stuffed with my whole life;
Well, not literally my life. Just textbooks which costs half my life, really.
How can I forget my precious new Tomato? He's a mini laptop, I've gotten acquainted to. Ours is a platonic relationship because my heart belongs two 2 others...

1. Cherry (my mini laptop that got refunded because of a dysfunctional screen)
2. My boyfriend (who may not be tiny red and filled with infinite knowledge, but he's adorable and sweet!)

So anyhow, this is the life of uni. I walk out of my house each day, lugging my stuff.
Sipping my cup of coffee. Walking across the busy Bronson Ave, passing by the beautiful canal.
Simply savoring the fall season and remnants of warm fresh air while I still can...

My beginning

I haven't written here in a while.
Much has happened.
Once, I was afraid.
A month ago, I feared the oblivion.
I anticipated loneliness
I acknowledged my fears.

Then I overcame it.

I lead two lives.
Two different ones.
But I am still the same me.

I am alone here, but have surrounded myself with some of the most amazing and sweetest human beings.

I have everyone I love within distance.
I find security with them.
Home is there.

But home can be here too, right?

But sweetest of all, someone out there; he might be reading this.
He's part of the two lives. =)
He's helped me through my fears, made me laugh when I cried...

I am so very much in love with him.

A million thoughts flew by

A feeling you feared to feel
With a hundred photographs spread on the bed
Each holds a story of happiness
You don't want to forget
But it felt so long ago

& the summer is in full bloom,
& your thoughts sober

To the days that flew by,
You want remembered
To the days that come
You hold much doubt

This is the reality revealed

A million unspoken words you write
But none expresses what fear you feel inside.

11 days left in town...

Last night I had a bunch of people coming over.
I don't know how I felt about that.
It was strange...

People were congratulating me, wishing me farewell, bidding me good luck.

Faces of people I've known throughout years of being here...

I caught a glimpse of my mom looking at me, with pride.
But there was honestly something else, that made my heart sank.

I am going to miss her so much.

So my dad and I went to make me a credit card yesterday
I promise to use it responsibly. Well, I've booked my ticket back for the 18th using the credit card. I suddenly feel so much richer...hehe =)
And I've got a webcam and a printer.
All the kitchen stuff has basically been taken care by my mom.
I've got pots and pans, blender, toaster AND a coffee maker!
I'm soooo grown up, it scares me...

All that's left to pack is my clothes.
And stationary stuff.
I kinda have been pushing the clothes packing behind.
It's gonna feel weird once I clear out my closet....
I mean most of the time, my closet's a mess.

Writer's blog?

Okay, lame joke. Lame pun/wordplay.
I haven't been writing in a while.
But, I did finish my valedictorian speech.
Which does require much tweaking and editing...

I shall figure all that later.
Frustrated, I am. A little maybe.
Or I'm just jealous.

Because I caught my sister writing a poem sometime ago.

I suppose by writing I meant poetry.

So the wind of inspiration shifted her way.
I'm kinda getting worried.
Because....

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

Empty
Is my mind.
For the thoughts I had
Once drained.
I'm trying hard to find
Words scrambled up,

In lame.

So lame. I mean, how deep was that?
Deep enough to sink my brain into a bowl of mushroom soup...
I have no clue what I am saying.
It's past 2am and I can't sleep.

You're the only road I know

I have been overwhelmed much too many times this year.
Confused and satisfied with all too many emotions at once.
I have been told that I changed. And I will not deny such statement, because I really do believe that I have. Emotionally, I am different.
I have seen things emerging from the invisible.
I am feeling emotions I know I would have otherwise missed.

My parents attitude around me have changed. They seem to have accepted my independence.
I have always been a little distanced out with mom, but lately I find myself overprotective of her emotions and understanding of her position.
Above all, is my relationship with my youngest sister. She has always been neglected, 'just-THERE' but barely acknowledged. I find myself spending as much of my time as I can with her...and I've seen her attachment to me, and her fear of losing me. I won't deny that I have many times thought about how much I will be missing out in her life...as everyone in my family will be, in mine.

So this it what it feels like when my parents had to leave behind their parents and siblings. I am desperate to absorb as much as I can, and wanting to hold on to everyone.

All because I have a month left in this town.

This all but too familiar to me. A year ago, my best friends left for Ottawa. I remembered us sitting in Janis' car in front of the cinema. Then a song came on and parked in the parking lot we were silenced in the car. Analyzing, reflecting...on the lyrical message of that song. I came to love that song. You know how songs have the ability to landmark emotions and thoughts by its lyrical and musical value? Well, it became one of those songs I can relate to. Then, the song would remind me of the memories, being a passenger of Janis' car. Each time I heard it, I'd miss Janis and Reema.

Yesterday, I sat in your car. I truly understand fate from that drive home. Believe me, it was much too perfect to be deemed as a coincident.
You know how much I love the full moon, the city lights, the sunset, and seeing airplanes take off...I've seen all that, while you drove and held my hand. Then the same song I had the night I was in Janis' car hummed in my head...

I realize how much I was going to miss you, and I haven't left yet.

Thinking back to how Drive My Soul would remind me of Janis. My perspective of that song seems to have much more meaning now. One with a much depth...and relevance. Every line from that song makes so much more sense.

When you left last night, I was humming it and I have it stuck in my head the whole day, today...I love you so much.

<3

Hi.

You should probably know that I am missing you.
I am delusional and envisioning you smile... and your gorgeous dimples.
Bye.
I love you. =)
Email me, okay?

Summer Sisters <3;

It is past 7 a.m. I can honestly say that I have pulled one of the best all-nighters.

It started off as picnic. Just us girls, who've known each other since middle school. A classy backyard picnic, with picnic mats and sandwiches in a basket. Then somehow, the most radical of us pulled out a bottle. It was sparkling juice, which we pretended to use as a prop for our classy, sophisticated and fake filthy rich picnic as 'wine'. I should probably add that we were slightly dressed up, some in hats and sunglasses. Well, the 'mature women act' clearly failed when we started giggling and someone snorted the juice right through the nose (it wasn't me, I swear!).

Our topic of conversation also evolved, from socio-economic issues to businessmen husbands of ours, and dream weddings......which eventually turned into something philosophical, "why is Shaf called SHAF?" (I admit, I question myself each day why my beautiful name has been chopped off drastically). I also had with me my guitar. We sang a couple of songs which varied different genres (including rap),

But it was sometime after we wanted a change in our characters, to be musicians instead of rich women that we were playing. But before that, someone suggested we hit the waterpark by the playground, just like we did in grade 7.
...And so we got soaked. I was drenched from head to toe, laughing away and being chased like I wasn't eighteen amidst splashing water, mixed with rain.
I have never had so much fun in my life.
I felt 12 again. It was a wonderful feeling...and best of all, I was surrounded by friends who felt the same way.
Because of Adrita's ambition to be a musician, I was lugging around my guitar with me, so we decided to be homeless and rock out as we dry up. We sat in front of the school, and waved at passing cars while singing at the top of our lungs. It was fairly normal that we received awkward looks, but several people DID came by and waved and cheered at us. Although, we did not earn any profit or money from our performance. But hey...that's a start!

The five of us decided to return home for dinner before hitting Adrita's for a movie marathon. I had my laptop hooked to her huge TV screen and we watched 4 movies:

• Two Sisters (A Japanese Horror, similar to The Uninvited)
• Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
• Armageddon
• 17 Again

Okay, I won't lie. We criticized more than we watched. I do like Nick and Norah...in fact I found it to be hilarious, and according to consensus, Zack Efron has sorta proven himself a better actor in 17 Again.

All that conversing and it wasn't long after that we realized the sun was to rise. At 5:30 we hit up the bleachers at our high school, by the open spaced soccer field. We were kinda quiet, sleep-walking and tired by then. The sky was clear and blue when we arrived but it turned pink not so long after. There was something enthralling about pink soaked clouds....And the purple that surrounded the horizon. Most beautiful was the lone star that glimmered against the purple turned pink to orange background. I wished you were there with me to witness something so metaphorical to a new beginning. It was sorta then that I remembered I didn't say goodnight to you. I am so used to saying those words to you for a month and talking to you before I sleep. It's silly, but I felt strange (and still do...a little guilty maybe) for not saying goodnight last night....

So everyone else decided to head home after the sunrise except Sarah and I. We headed to McDonald's for coffee and pancakes and talked about everything that has happened.

The allnighter had very much illustrated the definition of our friendship. I am grateful to be among these girls/women. My friends are spontaneous. I am surrounded by people who are not afraid to be themselves. I know for a fact that these are people I am close enough to call SISTERS. Hey...SUMMER SISTERS (like my fav book by Judy Blume!!)

Okay, it's kinda late now. Nearly 8a.m. and I don't think I am typing or thinking properly. Pardon me if my sentences are choppy, but I do think I need my sleep before I get cranky. And tomorrow's (oh my gawd, TODAY) is gonna be a crazier day with Jan and Reema.
Thus concludes my adventure with my wonderful friends....which I HAVE VOWED to remember forever and ever =)

To my summer sky;

A mind full of holes, drowned
down to the deepest wine
You wandered the room,
Thoughts locked you to lonely behind
You paint it all white
But there's no space to dent, inside
You're going nowhere
In a parked car out a lonely street
A story to tell, all over today

Of this defying flee
In this defining life
It rains in your heart
World caves in his eyes
Life's a perfect decay, gracefully
You hide
Your soul sets flame
To the summer sky

A city that has no name
Crowded night falls in slippery tide
The brick of loneliness, you threw away
Reflected lights surrounds by
You bought the moon, broken
But there's no sound at half past nine
Photograph his stare
In a corner of the desk you write
A story to tell, all over today

Of this defying thing
In this lonely life
It dawned in your heart
World caves in his eyes
Life's a perfect decay, gracefully
You've found
Your soul sets flame
To the summer sky

Laugh at time, you ridicule away
Fear strikes your beautiful mind
You want his smile to stay
For you've found that
It sets your soul aflame
To the infinite signs
You found wonderful stories
In this defining life
It sings in your heart that
Love caves in his eyes

Of Conformity

Changed.
I firmly believe your negative connotation to be a misjudgment.
First of all, physically you have not seen me since the start of summer. Your inability to perceive my whole being makes me wonder where you've come to such a conclusion.

So I got a haircut, but could that really have a negative effect on me? Okay, so I express myself through my fashion style, but if I walk around wearing a clown suit, I am still the same person inside. My current ranting of dissatisfaction right now proves my sensitivity. I am still the sensitive person I was a good month ago.

You think that I have 'matured-up too quickly.' Once again the premise of your conclusion is done through....analyzing my MSN conversation writing style? So people can be entirely different characters online. The lack of expressiveness through a window on a screen can REALLY screw up a person's true intentions. Quite frankly, as this is a summer of transition. Between high school and university, isn't it expected of us to mature up in preparation for the world ahead? I realize that I have been making critical decisions. I am thinking of things that I would not be thinking of last year.

Change can be good. Change can be for the better. Some sort of differences encountered can bring about different perspectives. The mainstream philosophy is that no matter how much change can happen, the individuality of a person must always remain. In other words, the cliche statement of staying true to yourself.

I Carry Your Heart by E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

My impression of Carleton U.

The buildings seemed intimidating.
I told myself, it will take some time and getting used to.
I know for a fact I'll be lost.
Not to mention....late. (But in Uni, they don't take attendance..so punctuality doesn't matter).
The campus was huge. It'll all be different, there's no denying that. Four years of high school history erased and I was to start new at a town 4 hours away, far from home....far from family.
A new reality.
& then I saw the greens. Okay, so I am a bit of a hippie, I like the open space and nature brings me comfort. Lurking behind, the Rideau Canal came into view and my first thought was that I will be spending a lot of time there underneath a tree. As cliche as it sounds, that was when I knew I came to the right university. =)

I really like Ottawa. I love downtown...the little shops, smell of coffee by the cafe and near political landmarks. Above all, I can see the sky!! Unlike downtown Toronto, which is quite claustrophobic. Also, Quebec is only minutes away and it will be exploring another province and practicing my french. In other words, Ottawa is sophisticated. Far from what I have been exposed to as suburbia, in Mississauga. A little more laidback and less busy too. Almost Frenchy ;)

The Orientation really alleviated a lot of my worries. I have come to recognize several buildings, they have a lot of facilities...a swimming pool, a running track which I hope to umm take advantage off and....we explored the TUNNELS! Carleton U has a series of underground paths that connect each buildings, so when it is cold out in the winter I won't be frozen from walking outside. There were club murals on the wall of the tunnels and I saw a Singaporean-Malaysian Student Association...and oh boy, my heart soared. You know what sudden urge came to me? I pictured myself, with my guitar, jamming underground in the tunnels like some homeless or professional musician! I'll make that a goal to be accomplished.

For lunch, we explored the food court, which has a variety of selections. Oh my gosh, and the residence dining rooms are fabulous! It's like an all-you-can-eat buffet, with different themes (Mediterranean, Japanese, Western..etc) . There were like 20 desserts to chose from, and I probably had 5 different servings. Not to mention the unlimited amount of chocolate milk I can probably live on forever. Even if I am not living on campus, the dining rooms are still accessible....which is kinda convenient if I ever go on a dessert craving rampage. Or maybe if I fail to master the art of culinary and become sick of microwavable food.

I made a friend too, a girl named Sarah Labelle. She's doing Humanities, we exchanged contact info and will probably be in touch. =)

Overall, I honestly believe I made the right decision coming here. The campus looks amazing, I'll get used to being lost. And Ottawa is gorgeous! It's so relevant that I will be studying law at Canada's capital...Now, I can't wait for september!

We're visiting Carleton U again before we return home on the way back from Montreal. I need to get me a Uni sweater! =) So I guess I am officially one of them Uni kids now!

These thoughts must be put into words;

Life seemed so much simpler.
Silence seemed to speak, even if no words were said.
All we had to do was watch the beauty that nature unfolded,

a setting sun, a drifting moon and a horizon of view.

I witnessed them all.
And in all of them, you were there
I may have experienced perfection. =)

& right now, I am missing you.

Vividly

Beauty, you fool me
You’re not what I thought you to be
Here lay I,
On rocks by the bay
There drift you among the infinite stars I see
A solemn glow of white and purity
In the embers of purple, sinking in the gorgeous greens
Yet, shyly hidden
Surfacing still within, sitting right by
You are beside me.