Far away, far away...

I am distracting myself from the thought of packing for tomorrow's trip. Don't judge me. I am not lazy, it's just the humidity trapped in these four walls and exhaustion from work that has left me lethargic. It does little to strain the excitement building up inside of me. I'm just about ready to burst looking at time, it's passing by too slowly! I was thinking about the beautiful sceneries and landmarks, the smell of the sea, warm salty breeze of the Atlantic blowing my way....

Just like Ingrid croons in her song Far Away. <3

Hmmmm.

:) It'll be perfect admiring God's natural beauty.

Wrinkle

Drop the sandbags
Remove the dirt
A crisp blank white paper
Waiting to be filled

Sow the sunflower seeds
Write me wonderful things
Of beautiful places and feelings
To come.

Forget the sunsets,
Remember every sunrise.
Drown the coffee in a sink
And sip the lemon tea

The sweetness of commencement
Is at the tip of your tongue

Sheepishly

To the guy who mustered every confidence he had...
:) It has been an amazing one year.
The rough patches made it real.
The memories are worth a lifetime.

You keep me grounded like gravity,
And you've always been there for me.

You're my ray of sunshine on a cloudy day,
The ketchup to my fries,
Toothpaste to my toothbrush

Chocolate chips to my cookies,
Macaroni to my cheese,
And together, we're like peanut butter and banana sandwich
Or salt and pepper.

I love you llama. <3

P.S. Below is my favorite photo of you. So manly, handsome and sexy...no?

Be grateful.

I have CityNews 24 on TV and scrolling through facebook slightly amused at paranoia and funny statuses. Tonnes of political jokes about the 5.0 magnitude earthquake that occurred hours ago. My two favorites being:

"Crap. Its the darn french again trying to seperate... Thats what the earth quake was about. A bunch of frenchies with their jackhammers at the border of quebec trying to seperate 'emselves from main land.."

"it had to be the protesters for the G20 that was going down the street. Now if we put them together must be an ugly scene of the tanks running over the protesters down the street...."

I was parked in a car, after my job interview moments when it happened. Okay well, I was on the passenger side so I was consciously praying that I wasn't heavy enough to tip the car over. I felt the car moving left and right, and I thought it was just the wind at first...it could've been a wind. That was until I heard the radio announcing about an earthquake. What happened after? Being the facebook addict that I am, I just had to update my facebook status, of course!...And I thought about getting out of the car, until it stopped.

Thank God there were no reports of structural damages or major injuries. I have always known Southeastern Ontario to be prone to hurricanes and tornadoes once a while. But I had no idea that we are close to a fault line. Regardless, I take this as a reminder of God's creation, that anything is possible, and I am thankful to Him that no harm was done.

On the other hand, after the interview this afternoon, I got a phone call from the employer an hour ago. And I am employed as a Sales Associate at a home decor/furniture company! My first ever paying job!

I guess today is the day to be grateful. For my existence, safety, health and everything good that has come my way. Alhamdulilah.

Somethings are meant to be.

Sometimes, we purposely dispose certain things in life thinking it was for the better. We give up on the greener grasses, thinking it is gone. It may maim us. It may seem foolish. But sometimes, we see no end to a fall, unless we terminate it. But sometime after, we may start realizing our strengths. Perhaps the control was gained from giving up on the loss. Perhaps it was the change, that forced us to find something about ourselves we never knew.

But things will never be the same.

The same, as life was, before our decision to dispose of what we thought was for the better.

We will reminisce the beauty in once upon a memory. We may wonder away at what life may be had things been much different. We may regret and want to turn back time. Or we may be happy to have figured out that we made through life on our own

The fate that lies in the future. Whether it be that we regret or not, lies within weighing the factor of disposal. Some things are meant to be kept and some things are meant to be broken.

Funny thing is, sometimes, we surprise ourselves by holding on too.

Porcelain

In this gallery of regret
Spin the porcelain memory
Unbreak, the broken pride you swallowed
Because nobody knows

See through me like glass
Pick up the pieces
Of red cherry passion so fragile
With your blinded eyes closed

Unravel your chained heart
And take me to places
We'll blow away every disaster
And start believing in something else
From this stained sweet promise becoming bitter

Because nobody knows
Because nobody will know
With blinded eyes closed

Solace

Concrete steps and mint chip ice-cream
Warm nights simmer my skin to heat
Starlit, but shy was the ceiling above
Crickets humming away distinctly.

Unsteadily heart, beats both fast then slowly

The street lamps glow amber and fiery lit

Mellowly a voice, gently whispers distantly
A secret shattering laughter that drifts so closely

In this sleepless night
Among lurking silhouettes

Embracing the other side of me

My Ayah =)

I sat barefeet on the swing of my backyard with a copy of Maclean's magazine on my lap today. I stared at the buckets of citronella candles my mom left lying around. The bottom of my right foot, just by the curve above my heel itched from a mosquito bite from the previous night. And I looked on towards my dad across of me setting up for barbecue.

I remembered days when he would leave for work late, just to drop me off to school because of snowstorms. I am a bit of an extrovert in displaying affection, and I remember kissing him on the cheek every morning before I walked out of the car. And I will always sense the awkward energy after, which I have always found slightly amusing. It must be some masculine thing...

This is my dad.
His sense of humor knows no boundary. He can make a crowd laugh instantly. And there are moments where he lands himself in the state of social awkwardness but he knows to turn it around somehow, to be funny. He is a man with great positivism, that barely do I see him upset. But more than anything to me, he is a man with a heart so big. Only God knows the amount of sacrifices he has made in the name of comfort and security for our family. He was the one who decided on taking the leap, risking every status he ever had and leaving behind everyone he had ever loved, to move to another country.

To the man who has greatly influenced me to look for the good things in life. Who has supported me in every critical decisions I have ever made, and have advised me so patiently with the negatives that came my way. To the man who has shown me utmost humility. I pray for your continuous strength in everything that you do. Thank you for being such a wonderful father, there is only so much I can do in return.

Happy Father's Day.
I love you so much.

Insomnia

Amidst the thoughts fluttering through my head,
I can't help but feel uneasy.
I don't know why I am filled with so much uncertainty.

All the pieces from my thoughts seem to fit...

They seem coherent with what I've seen.
But the repetitive words I hear, despite they how "appealing" to my ears, do not synchronize with what I think.

It does little to calm how I feel.
Not so appealing anymore, now.
Repeating a lie doesn't make something true....
Maybe I'm just over thinking

Underline me

I write you with an end
Dear friend,
Remind me to forget you.
I write without ambition nor ultimatum, resound,
Without disguise for all has been unveiled.
And all was laid before you.

To you,
Who distanced me off this ground.
This friend, was never mine to figure out.

To you,
Who sought and saw
Within these flesh of stubbornness
I tried to hide.
This friend was never meant
To be someone you knew.

Bury this friend before you tonight,
For chaining her back deplores
What beauty you've seen in me.
& you, who saw what others couldn't see,
This friend was no one else, but me.

Regretfully,

I wish to do things differently

Trust

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” -George Macdonald

That is probably because the foundation of any friendship or relationship lies within the concept of trust. A trust broken in inevitably results from a form of judgment. Paraphrasing from a saying I once heard, 'one who judges cannot love at the same time.'

To trust and be trusted.
Sometimes, it can be easier said than done.
How do you overcome this, when being critical was believed to be for the betterment? It is a paradox. Would there need be a change in belief? How would a common ground be found in contrasting beliefs?

For what other element could be more sensitive than trust?

Trusting nurtures for strength.
Perhaps criticality is possessiveness, it overlooks certain individuality.
Perhaps there needs acceptance to compliment trust.
What would happen if the basis of acceptance was indeed founded upon a lie?

Maybe trust isn't a greater compliment afterall. But honesty is.

The root of trust, is in fact honesty.

"Truth's and roses have thorns about them"-Henry DavidThoreau

Nothing is sweeter than...

Indulging in brownie cheesecake from Second Cup

With Iced Tea and amazing friends...

=) Or the smell of freshly picked strawberries

Mashed into a big pot for a home made jam.

....or when your bf is dressed from head to toe like you spontaneously. Which I won't upload a photo of...because it's too embarrassing. I'm kidding. I forgot to take a photo of that, unfortunately. Perhaps we shall have a reenactment sometime. I love how we're so in sync with each other...real awesome& creepy! <3

& after all this time,
I never thought we'd be here.

This is me.

I wish I was prettier, so I can gracefully appreciate compliments about how I look. I wish I was sweeter, so I'd criticize less about you. I wish I was funnier, so I can make you laugh everyday. I wish I was more grateful, so I'd be more thankful that you're with me each day. I wish I was braver, so I'd never be afraid of losing you.

I wish....I can only wish.

But this is me.
Ungrateful and cowardly.

An insecure nineteen year old.
Wondering why you're with me.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

"Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me." -Moon River lyrics.

I have always believed I was born in the wrong decade. Wouldn't it be great to walk around in dresses and hats? Back to the time when all four Beatles were still alive? Perhaps and more importantly, when lyrical value in music did not include profanity and degrading criticism of race, class and gender. And the English language was spoken with such elegance and eloquence...even grammatically spelled correctly. Iman Azman, I remember you telling me the early 19th century is your era of preference. I have decided the 20th century to be mine, specifically the 1950s-60s. But of course, the activism that existed during this period was a factor of influence. I am, afterall, a bit of a hippie at heart.

I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's this evening and I absolutely loved the movie. Audrey Hepburn is a beauty, and who wouldn't love her? There is richness in historical culture and valuable lessons that goes beyond the technological inferiority. So the movie was black and white. And times have changed. The message remains pure regardless. It's a cliche lesson in humanity on love. Don't patronize... it is a chick flick. But worth the watch to compare modern day similarities and differences. I do find myself relating to the protagonist.

I believe I am naive, eccentric and slightly insecure just like Holly Golightly. Obliviousness is something else we both have in common. I admit that I am not as materialistic as she, but I do constantly seek for something I want while overlooking what I already have. In a way, we both dig ourselves a hole. The true cause of catastrophe in our lives is created by ourselves.

Now tell me you've watched a movie in this decade with a similar moral story. Or maybe have experienced something similar. I am not going to spoil the movie with a plot line. But amazing isn't it? That although times have changed certain experiences remain similar.

But this fact doesn't change that I still believe I was born in the wrong decade.

Perhaps the only quirk was the excessive cigarette smoking that occurred in the movie, during that time period. They all smoked like a chimney. Call me prejudice, but I can't stand smokers, nor smoking. Nevertheless, I'll save the activism cigarette rant another day...

Popularity

I'm slightly malicious for provocation, and that I do not deny.
But I have to say that I am not shallow, and I love playing with words. Because I don't want to end up stalemate.

A truth can have variable meanings.
A fact is a provable concept.
Are all facts the truths?

Morality is said to be used as a weapon in justifying a hypocrite because the truth can be subjective.

So you may call me a hypocrite for justifying a truth.

Perceptions of absolute, subjective, objective....they fascinate me.

Along with popularity.

It is status. It is a dignitary. It is an aspect that governs socializing.

Is popularity defined by an individual who knows a group of of people?

Or is it defined by a group who knows an individual?

Regardless, we all know someone we deem as popular. And we can possibly agree popularity is a subjective matter of possibly the 'majority'.

Now I am rather fond of Eleanor Roosevelt.
In her words

"We must know what we think and speak out, even at the risk of unpopularity."

Roosevelt seemed to be an ethical objectivist with such statement. Or what Emanuel Kant defined Categorical Imperative. This centers around the notion of duty. All actions should be perform in accordance to principle or a maxim. Hence despite the subjective (popularity), one must believe and act upon the principle of the truth (by what we 'think and speak out').

Popularity as the subjective becomes somewhat easily superficial. I suppose a martyr of morality is labelled by one who sacrifices his name for his beliefs and the truth. Like Socrates.

My point?
Who cares if you're popular. People will hate you because they are envious. Or hate you for doing something against their principle. The righteous ones are those who lived humbly, holding strong to their faith and principles. In other words, you can be happy just by being by yourself (and maybe a friend or two).

I was flying.

There's a moment when all you could see was the sky. Truly blue, and maybe streaks of clouds diagonally stretched in areas. Then your stomach felt like it fell, quicker than any part of your body. And all you could see was the ground at a near 90 degree angle.

Swooping down...that's what that happened.
I felt like a bird.
Like I was in control of where I wanted to go.

Actually, I was on a roller coaster ride named Behemoth at Wonderland.

Maybe it was the adrenaline rush.
Maybe some part of me suddenly started some blood to circulate.
That, along with some wonderful people surely alleviated much I had clouding my mind.
Thanks for a wonderful day!

I can't be all

I don't want to end up in bottle,
Or fall out of grace
At the side of my bed
I don't know what's happening
Time and the end
I don't want to end up in space
But there's a thief stealing
What's mine is not in my head
I can't be all of me
A name tag I can't admit

There's an order arrangement
I don't understand
There's a weight in your voice

& I can't pretend

Because my courage and hope is
On a long, long getaway

Okay.

Don't fall Shaf,
You held yourself together all day.
This is nothing new.
Breathe and forget.

Lazy Shmazy

I've got Break Even by The Script playing on loop with a book balanced on my lap.

I love the sound Danny O'Donoghue's raspy jazzy voice crooning. It's sorta a crossover between Bedouin Soundclash and Maroon 5.

Summer music.
Alright maybe the meaning behind the lyrics is meant to be h

eartbreaking. But the song makes me happy, in a twisted sorta way I'm too lazy to explain. Summer has made me lazy.


Check mark the following off my summer list:

• Breakfast for dinner
• Sushi run
• Barbeque
• Barefeet on the grass
• Picnic

Oh and a bonus. My photo from Carassauga appeared on the Mississauga News website. Mr. llama stole the spotlight with me. Search my name on the Mississauga News website and click photos! I'm gonna be famous!

Soulful

A yellow full moon floating,
Slight chill warmth of a breeze
Starless night sky
Among the crowds of culture
Breathing in the world

& I let the acoustic and soulful sound of French Creole music drift me away.