crépuscule

le ciel est tombé
quand j'ai chanté au claire de la lune
la neige pour partager
j'aurais la capturée toute pour vous
alors, vous me manquez
mon cher, mon doux
ceci notre minuit
dansez-vous avec votre dame sous les étoiles
jusqu'à ce que le soleil nous brûle?

Buoyant

Fall fails to fade, with a sentimental virtue.
A calendar of flowers in partial bloom
Hangs in my room
Sways to the sound of a distant memory.
Still so far but not away from me

I was there with you by the rocks
A portrait of the crashing Atlantic waves 

And horizon in blue
You with your sunglasses, and black t-shirt
Salty sweet breathes in the air
Places to go to, and places we've been.

Don't lose sight of me now

I'm a passenger docking the harbor of this
Thoughtless sea of certainty

Let me tell you who you really are,
& I'll tell you when we make it as far as the end of the blue.

Flawless

Berry tea too sweet
& half-boiled eggs too salty
A gunk of St. Ives cucumber melon on my skin
Smeared blue ink on my paper
Ingrid Michaelson frozen and stuttering "St-st-starting Now"

It's a Saturday afternoon,
Everything is going perfectly my way.

Verificationism

...states that sentences are meaningless unless you are effected by it somehow. Facebook is proof of that. People will only 'like' your status if they prescribe to be affected by it.

But what exactly does meaningless mean?
If I do not connect to a statement, does it deem it meaningless?
If it's arbitrary and random, does it not mean anything?

Everything has got to mean something.
Some questions just cannot be answered.
Some meanings just cannot be decoded.
Because we lack the capacity to understand it.

That's why everyone is constantly looking
I believe the world is chaotic.
Something can be a product of nothing.
That's why fate exists.

Because the universe is beyond our comprehension, it doesn't make what we fail to comprehend as ineffective, arbitrary and meaningless.

'Nothing' means something...everything can emerge from a mere nothingness.
He made it this way. =)

Happy Anniversary darling.  =)
Life is never dull with you around.
Remember the insane cabdriver? The gender confused one?
 (S)he sure drove you safely didn't (s)he?

Butterfly

Shy as the hidden stars behind the clouds
A butterfly wrapped in a little cocoon,
Sit by the riverbed soothe your heart,
You are beautiful like the midnight moon.
You are beautiful,
Too young,
& you drifted away too soon.

Niche

A lady sat beside me on the bus last night. She had a ring on her left finger, that caught my attention the moment I sat down. Throughout the bus ride, she kept staring at the ring and out the window. We didn't speak a word to each other, not even when the bus broke down for an hour and a half. But here and there we exchanged smiles. There was something peculiar about that. An unspoken understanding I suppose. There I was with two speaker buds popped into my ears, singing Rob Thomas in my head trying to distract myself from counting down hours left on the road...

Silly things people do to comfort themselves.
And right now, I've got Rob Thomas singing to me, a cup of my favorite berry tea & a book by Danielle Steel. I know I should be studying but I haven't leisurely read in a while...plus my tea never fails to comfort me.  =)

Grey

Ordinary is extraordinary. Beauty is intelligence and kindness.

Okay, clearly I have lost my self-esteem or am slowly becoming a pessimistic youth with all these self-motivational quotation. Find something to make me happy, please?
I have two days left of this sweet family vacation in Mississauga. It will be back to depressing nerdy life in O-town where my life will consist of nothing but books and extra-curricular activities.

It's not even officially winter but I'm having winter blues. Second year is really starting to suck, big time.

Stay tuned for more grey, depressing, poetry...

Cardio

Dear heart,
Beat slow.
You beat for something
You know you hold

Sweet heart,
Be brave now,
Though no one's watching
You're not alone

My heart,
Is bigger than yours
& loves more than it is capable of.

P.s. when I was fifteen, I wanted to be a cardiologist. The heart still amazes me.

Are we human or are we dancer?

The song by The Killers has unusually made me think. Does our capability of freely expressing emotions and acting our thoughts pronounce our humanity? Or have we become puppets to our emotions in acting our thoughts? Is our life orchestrated, choreographed to be performed pretentiously? Maybe we are immune, numb and have internalized the person we all 'should be'.

Whatever it is,
We'd all rather be human.
But our definition of humanity, I believe, has become murky and intertwined with dancer.

Now we're all making justifications for our answers.

My little dream

I want to live on a boat.
The ocean shall be my home.
With two beautiful children, a boy and a girl.
And of course, the man of my dream.
We'd have dinner watching the sunset every day.
We'd have lunch docked at a harbor, on the coast of different cities.
Surrounded by different music, aroma and people...things. Where nobody will know the four of us.

And every night, the waves will rock us to sleep.
We'd sleep on the boat, with a glass ceiling revealing a million scattered stars. & I'll be comforted by the silly snoring sounds made by sleepy family, against the crashing sounds of the sea.

I pray to God that the children of these people who write slanderous, 'tongue-in-the-cheek-comments' about my family on facebook will never have to endure how I feel when I read them. Ever. I have lost respect in people I once respected. It is such a shame.

Shipwreck Ave.

Take it all in your suitcase
And send it to sail to sea
I don't know what you've done
But I know if you stay any longer,
Your keys won't fit

Here's to every perfect dream,
Your sandcastle's been washed away
I don't remember how long it's been
But I know if you wait for the stoplights to turn red,
It will never be green again.

Cut cold,
& you're just another victim
A man fated to the streets thinking
'Nobody's watching me now.'
Justifying your battles is all I'll ever know.

Return to sender

Scribble all the doubts,
At the bottom of the page
With your favorite HB graphite pencil
Flip the paper,
Write a secret on the top right.
In cursive.
Tiny, yet legible.

Paper clip a heart on the left side.
Sticky tape a photograph in between.
Fold in three creases,
Slip into a wrinkly purple envelope

Mail it to your old address.
The place you called home ten years ago.

Brown Lunch Paperbags

I had cranberry juice and tuna sandwich for lunch two days ago. My sudden impulsive-liking towards cranberry juice puzzles me. I think it's either the colour red that attracts me, or I just grew a new sets of taste buds recently. Nevertheless the juice and sandwich made me reflect back to elementary school days. Back when my lunch came in brown paper bags, packed by mama. It's really silly, but I often pack my lunch in those same paper bags just because mama used to do so. I could save expenses and garbage by not using the bags, but for some odd reason, I've taken an odd liking to packing my lunch this way.

Maybe because it reminds me of home.
In some way, it makes me think about mama and how I very much want to be like her. Or maybe, this is just another one of my subconscious attempts at preserving my youth....  =P

Mulberry

So, I conformed and got me a blackberry.
Let me justify this:
I am a very busy woman who depends on email replies and facebook messages for appointments ever so frequently.

Who am I kidding,

I can creep people 24/7 now! Yay!

And this is a photo I took of my dinner on my blackberry.
Notice the photo above illustrates my attempt at leading a healthy lifestyle.
Be proud of me please, I eat my proteins and veggies.  :)

P.S. I still have yet to find a name for my blackberry.
P.S.S. Lemon Drop is doing great. He continues to make my day and capture sunshine on rainy days. He also says HEY!

Not the world, nor the people, nor time.

Plans fail. Things flop. You never get what you expect. You can work so hard on a piece of paper, but end up getting a crappy mark. You can get hired within a day, just to get dismissed within four shifts. You can be with someone for the longest time, but realize you really don't know the person. Because you fail to understand, you keep counting hours, minutes, seconds....hoping the numbers will make up for time loss.

You probably have cried your eyes out, that it wonders you when will those tears ever dry up. You have probably felt your chest hurt, with pain so unbearable because the world breaks your heart and disappoints you too often.

Then you realize,
You disappoint yourself.
With the quantity in you keep counting on, in your life.
Not the world. Not the people. Not time.

Plans fail, so you learn to improvise. From improvisation you learn new strengths and things that surprise you. A mark on the essay does not determine your life. It is the people you surround yourself with stories they tell that you learn wisdom from and take you further in life. Rejection teaches you humility. The most fun things in life are free. The truth is, reality is harsh so you learn to accept and appreciate. Some people have it worst than you do....

Dear Reader

You know what is the most messed up thing ever?
My willingness to publicize my life, through blogging. My voluntary position to exercise my creativity and writing style openly. Sometimes I reveal the most intimate details ever, because sometimes it comforts me that some odd reader out there sympathizes with me. So here and there, I may get comments that motivate me, and push my limits to stand back up again when I fall (I have complained many times about how terrible of a year it has been).

But at the same time, it bugs the crap out of me that someone out there may be entertained by my moments of masochism. May find pleasure at my moments of downfalls. Sadistic, I know.

But oh well.
I get sadistic sometimes too.
The world is subjective afterall.

So you, who read this.
Are you brave enough to admit your nosy-nature?

Bus of Personality

A girl with a pink spiky hair & pink ugg boots. An old man picking up a fight with another old lady on the bus, saying "That's my walker, what? You wanna frikin throw it out the window or somethin'?". Two couples intimately talking to each other, with the girl resting her head on the hollow of the guy's shoulder.

Then there's me.
Sitting beside Aliya, with a plank of cardboard in front of us.
It's a boxed table from Ikea.

So much sillyness on the bus.
It's really funny how everybody's lives seem vibrant on the surface.
But nobody really knows what secret we each have inside.

Myself, & nobody else

I am worthy.
I am who I am.
I should be nobody else.

I am surrounded by people around me. I am taking a great risk with the person I love the most and this can either make or break what we have. I can continue feeling worthless, neglected and uncared for. Or I can become confident, selfless and fearless. I chose the latter. My decision to take a step back is a sign of courage, so be proud of me. Because I have had faith all this while, I let my thoughts of unworthiness consume me. I let myself be pushed back, and taken advantage of. I need this to understand who I am. I need to learn to love myself again.

I don't know what changed. I don't know how one day, I woke up feeling neglected. But this is another test of faith for me...among many things I have been tested with thus far. It is naive of me to beg for the year to end quick, and just start new. It just doesn't work that way. All I need is God, and He will help me mend this broken piece of muscle inside of me. It doesn't matter if nobody is beside me. I can be happy.

I thought there's nowhere left to fall once you reach to bottom. Now I feel like I am at the bottom of the sinkhole. I feel trapped. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be angry. More than anything, I don't want to cry. But I embrace all of these feelings, because I am only human. I need to fall before I can fly. I need to feel pain to know this is real. More than anything, I promise to overcome this insecurity I have growing inside of me.

If I can learn to love myself and have the capacity to love others, then it should not matter if nobody loves me.
& I promise NOBODY but MYSELF that this will happen.

Vulnerability

Connection gives purpose to our lives. Shame is the fear of disconnection which is a part of vulnerability. We are all vulnerable, and in order for connection to happen, we need to acknowledge shame. Vulnerability is necessary and what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. The sense of worthiness is a sense of love and belonging. People with love and belonging believe they are worthy.

Let go of who you think you should be, and be you who are.
There is a willingness to do something without guarantees, or without predictability.

If you cannot measure it, it does not exist. If it exists, don't measure it often. Because when you measure, you start to have expectations. When you start expecting, what yields out may disappoint you. The more you measure what you have the more ungrateful you become.

We are all vulnerable, it is a part of being human.

We tend to numb our emotions...

If we numb vulnerability, we numb the effects of vulnerability which are happiness & joy. Perfection does not exist, but acceptance does. What we do affects others. So love with our hearts, without guarantees. Practice gratitude and joy.

More than anything.
Believe that you're enough.

I have an issue with vulnerability.

I struggle with worthiness.

I need to embrace who I am and disregard who I should be.

I have the T.V. turned on, with volume to the maximum.
It does little to make me feel less lonely.
No, I am not bored.
I feel pathetic.

This sucks.

I'm not first anymore.
I've become boring that's why.
If I was you, I'd do the same too...turn to other things.

The Only.

There's real,
& make believe,
This seems pretty real to me.
& I believe in it.

=) I am having one of those days, where I'd reread every text messages and msn conversations we had. Then I'd smile to myself thinking how lucky I really am.

I love you.