You are mine :)

The rain like glitter slid down
& I've been through this many times
I'd reflect on my weekend.
Analyzing my favorite moments.
& As the wheels turned,
I'd be miles away from you.
Inside, my heart felt strange.
It surprised me.

Funny.
How songs came playing into my head the moment the bus moved.
Weird.
How five hours later, I saw you.
But you felt so far away.

I should be used to this.
But I secretly don't want to.

But last night I saw side of you emerging.
It wasn't the silly side.
No.
Well I've seen that.
Neither was it the confused.
Nor annoyed, mad, or hurt.

I don't know what it was.
...that side that I saw.
Seeing you reflecting on your past.
Reminiscing your childhood.
I saw what was inside of you.

You are beautiful.

Bliss.

I'm back in the library.
All calm, and relaxed...it's muggy out. But strangely, I kinda like it.
I am in an unnaturally good mood.
And I don't know why.

So I finished my FYSM comparison essay.
I have yet to start my Human Rights Proposal.
But I need inspiration, I have no idea what I'm gonna write about.
Who cares?
I'm in a good mood.

God, I hate myself for feeling so randomly happy.
I don't know why.

Mmmm...it's only 2:30.
Okay, so now I'm looking at people out the library window.
They look so tiny. In winter coats and boots. The trees are naked.
& I'm smiling.
Smiling, even though the person beside me smells like a pack of cigarettes.....
Maybe my smile will scare her away.

Deconstruct this thought.

I have a funny feeling in my heart.
I feel it each time, after we fight. It would sober me up.
I felt last night, when I talked to you on the phone.
& I felt it when I listen to the song you sent me just now.

I don't know what it is. I don't know why I feel it.
But it scares me sometimes.
It scares me in a good way, I guess.
Because everytime I feel this way, I realize how much of me you really have.
I'm afraid to lose you.

My head.

I spent at lest 8 hours in the library today.
My brain is suffocated
Head feels heavy.
Maybe it expanded.

From absorbing all that info

I'm so tired.
But I should be ready.
Women's Studies Exam tomorrow!
Wish me luck.

Absent but present.

I just chatted with an uncle.
Who have disappeared from my life for years.
My mom seldom speaks of him.
I have many times forgotten his existence.
But tonight I remember him.
I remember my childhood memories with him.

I was probably six years old.
Last time I saw him, I was leaving Singapore in 2006, and it was brief. Like a phantom.

I had a funny feeling when I chatted with him.
This feeling of bond...I think.

That feeling surfaced even more when he told me that he misses and loves me.
And when he told me to tell my mom the same thing, my heart broke to a million pieces. I know she misses him too.

There's beauty in this. Something good emerging, and I can sense it.

Right now, I feel like I have the world in my hands.
I think this is happiness.

Yeah.
I'm happy.

Blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese.

I hate the feeling of having to leave home.
Yesterday was my fourth time, leaving Toronto for Ottawa.
At the same time, I hope I continue to feel this way.
Continue to miss home.
Anticipate being my family.
It makes us stronger and closer, no?

This always happens.
It's becoming routine, but I get sentimental and quiet on the bus back.
I would reflect on the weekend being wonderful.
And as the wheel of the bus turns, so did my mind.

I'm in the library now.
Been sitting here for about 8 hours. But not consecutively, or my bum would hurt.
I took breaks, went to tutorial, had dinner and sat for the interview with my lecturer.
My Women's and Gender Studies exam is on thursday.
I've got enough covered. For tonight that is.

:)My title for this post is random but I officially declare it my favorite.
Just thought you'd like to know, I started the morning with blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese, chocolate danish and a large french vanilla. Yummy

Now, I think I'm tired enough to going home.
Bye.

Where the heart is

Yesterday, I was sitting at the Uni Centre.
Reading "The Shock Doctrine" by Naomi Klein.
I finished 3 pages of it, until someting uncommon occured.
Diagonally across, a white male fainted.
Then he started going into a trance...of seizure and became uncontrollable.
The student paramedics came and tried to stop him from rolling off down the stairs.

Then firemen and police arrived.
There were 6 of them.
Who tried to restrain the boy, who laid on the ground. Moaning in pain.

I later figured, it was an epilepsy attack.
& felt a mixture of fear, pity and guilt.
Fear because I was afraid of violent attack. I could've been victimized

Pity, for the injustice, that he had to go through what he did.

And guilt. For feeling fear. Which may sound a little irrational.

I headed on the bus back to Sauga last night, with Nabil.
Nothing much to say, except it was a long bus ride. And I accomplished some reading.

Today was wonderful.
My boyfriend is super sweet. I love the gift. The lotion and lipbalm. :) I'm gonna smell pretty! Yay!

Met up with Mr. Kontos and had the opportunity to be in the office with the Social Science Department Teachers. It was quite fascinating to see teachers in their 'zone'. I heard Kontos dropped the 'f'-bomb and it was AWESOME. lol. Mr. Breen was my grade 10 History teacher and it was cool to reconnect with him.

Kontos and I had the chance to talk about commencement, just reflecting on the night. He mentioned how there was an overwhelming feeling of warmth and love by being within the presence of my family, that commencement night. His favorite moment, was after the ceremony. When my sister, Irah, came to hug me and say how proud she was of me...

l felt like I was glowing, when he said that.
That I was blinded but given sight....
I have taken many things, and relationships for granted

Just two hours ago, I was out with my parents and youngest sis. We were at Wal-Mart.

I saw something that touched my heart.

It was the sight of my mom and dad, holding hands.

It was wonderful, seeing that. I felt secure. Safe. Love. Warmth....
Just the notion that my family is unbreakable. There is unconditional love existent.

I truly felt at home.

P.S. I suppressed my craving for durian! My parents bought tonnes for me.

<3

Bob the Builder

I nearly fell asleep in Philo. Well, I took notes half asleep, daydreaming about how women of John Locke's era found him attractive.
For one thing, he's got more hair than I do.
Gorgeous, I know.
Intellectually, he's brilliant

I'm just trying to get my sugar level to rise now, just before I start the essay.
Snacking on granola, grapes and strawberries. Turning myself slowly into a health nut.

To my right I see a huge crane out the window, with equipements dangling down and pointy objects.
Front row seats to watch construction workers at work.
I like the yellow hard hats they wear. Makes them look cool.
If only they have yellow boots....and checkered red shirt underneath denim overalls....
Hehe..I'd be surrounded by Bob the Builders. Many of them!

Okay, I just picked the weirdest spot in the library.
And I am amused by it.

Good thing I can see some trees.
And at least, there's sunlight.
I get more sunlight than the average person on this long table....One window to my right, and one more in front of me. Because I'm in the corner...heeeheee I feel kinda special =P
So the sugar is kicking in.
I'll try get off facebook and start nerding :)

Pages

All around you crowded
But the silence itself speaks
Your mindless thoughts betrayed you
What fills within underneath

Trapped between confusion,
Hiding behind the aisle
This loneliness surrounds
Suppressing you tried,
Denied.

For every line you read
And every word pronounced
Reflected back to these pages
Mind wandering through
In haze.

So you stared ahead to the glass
Where daylight ray slid in
Once tinge of orange lit trees
Now dark light is all you see.

While you sit within this nothingness
Succumb to your ambition
Realize that you’re restless
In mind, you sought for peace.

Sunday Afternoon in the Library

I'm begining to find myself on the fourth floor of the library more frequently.
It's a Sunday afternoon.

To my left is an opened course package for Human Rights.
My mission for the next five hours of my life:

to reread, analyze and formulate a thesis on the article

"Columbus and the War on Indigenous Peoples"

I've read it once. I planned on finishing this by Tuesday.
Was supposed to formulate a thesis on Friday. So I'm behind.
But really, I'm ahead of my game. It's due next Monday.
I'll get it done by Tuesday, for sure.

Alright, let me just say that for the past hour here, I managed to:

read one article, "Slave Trade & The New World"

Finished one large cup of French Vanilla

Messaged my boyfriend
And stare at the greens and balding trees outside.

And now I'm blogging.

Well, it's something right?
I'm ambitious but I'll get my arguments for my paper by the end of the day

I'm serious.

No, really.

I'm tired.

Because last night was awesome.

After nerding in the library for four hours,

We headed to the mall with the malay girls plus Mexican Steph, who is the birthday girl!
She's real cool. Will be teaching me to Salsa soontimes =)
After the mall and the one hour bus ride, we headed to my house.
Made lasagna and scalloped potato.
And waited til midnight to surprise Steph with a chocolate ice cream cake.
We played music, rocked out and danced after, all was fun. They left at around 2.

& now back to nerding.

Expressions & Emotions

Protest against tuition fee rally today.
It was fun. There is something magical about being in a group.
Voicing out for the same cause.
A feeling of "Empowerment".

I remember, shouting "DROP WHAT?" and everyone responding "DROP FEES!".
And it felt really nice.
There is unison.
Strength.
Freedom of expression is powerful.

Aleema and I headed to the National Gallery after.
We first stopped at Starbucks.

I have a new fave drink now.

Peppermint white chocolate mocha :)

We decided to cool off from the protest and look at Canadian art pieces.
Daphne Odjig and Miller Brittain currently have their works being showcased.
Some paintings spoke out to me.
It came to life, and truly expressed the emotional struggles of the artists.
Particularly Odjig's, who is of native descent.
She had works portraying aboriginal suffering, confusion, isolation & reintegration.
Coincidentally, Aleema and I just learned in Human Rights of the aboriginal inhumane displacement.
We felt that Odjig's artwork reflected on the ethnographic perspective of the natives.
Eye-opening, emotionally understood spoke to us, I suppose.

There's a certain beauty in art.
It is subjective.
Beauty is determined on how you relate to it.
Miller Brittain's work varied from the Great Depression era to the World War II.
His WWII pieces were a little scary.

I felt sophisticated going to the art gallery.
& I felt like a radical protesting today.
I felt I experience two opposite spectrums of expressions.
On the same day.

Justify, justice...& just plain confused

I'm sitting in the library again, with the intention to begin critically analyzing an article about Columbus.
But I don't feel like reading. It's plain depressing.
And Columbus is a douche who contributed to the annhilation of the indigenous population
I want to write.
Write to clear my mind.
I am a little teensy bit troubled.
But I'll be okay.
I always am okay.

A friend of mine walked out of law lecture today. She was missing half the lecture.
Then I found her. Sitting outside the hall, staring. I asked her what happened, and she told me she doesn't know anymore. Then she looked at me, and she cried.

Three years ago, her uncle was murdered. It seemed unreal to be sitting beside her, after hearing that. I constantly find myself engaging in a conversation with someone who's been victimized by violence and crime.

Yeah, the world sucks. It is filled with a lot of twisted and sick human being.

Today, my friend studies law. She made a vow to bring justice to her uncle. And as she sat in the lecture today, she doubted.
She doubted her ambition.
She doesn't think she can handle seeing those victimized by the crime.
& she explained how the complexity of law, the corruption and flaw....she just didn't think she could handle it.

I decided she couldn't be left alone. I have sunk to the bottom before, and it sucks when the walls cave in and you have noone beside you. So I skipped tutorial. I took my friend out for a walk, and we talked.
Talked about our future.
About corruption in every occupation.
About the inevitability of it
And we talked about change.

She had her heart set on prosecuting. Becoming a criminal prosecutor, sending all the bad guys to jail. And now she is just unsure. She fears being trapped into corruption. But she came to realization that, if nobody changes the system...who will?

I agree with her whole heartedly. But in the end, it is easier said than done.
My friend brought into my mind many questions.

To what extend can we change 'the system'?
WHY DO WE BOTHER?

To my last question, I'd say because we try to be altruistic. Because we want to defy selfishness. Because we want everyone to live in justice. But...the concept of justice lacks universality. It is complex. Ambiguous. Subjective. At the end of the day, I feel like people like myself...we try to change the system so it fits our definition of justice. Which will disadvantage someone else's definition, of course. So really, we're all selfish.

It's a circular argument.
I know.
Or I'm just not thinking properly.
Point is, we're all so different, why do we want universalize justice?

So my friend has something in common with me. We both are ambitious. We want to be lawyers. We both want to change the world.
But we just don't know how.

The Good Stuff

My fingers are higlighter stained.
With 4 different colours.
Pink. Green. Yellow. Blue.
I'm getting caught up with my readings.
& trying to read ahead. Knowing full well midterms are on the way.

I found my favourite library corner, it's on the fourth floor.
As I look out the window, I see the setting sun rays glowing on the empty branches of a tree.
It's a prophesy of winter...

I can actually see tonnes of trees, really.
I love trees.
I can ponder the aesthethic of a tree all day.
Maybe not now.

So I happen to be in a better mood today.
An A in my philo midterm, is the sole reason.
92.8%..yay!
Gosh I am such a nerd. I feel so stupid for being emo over a B.
But then again, it wasn't my first B, and I was annoyed with the ambiguous system....still am.
& there's the whole house thing.....I'm going home late tonight to see what happens. :)

My second cup of french vanilla has kicked in.
Break is over.

My rant

In my sink, empty dirty dishes laid.
My fridge is slowly emptying. We're out of meat, milk, bread, and there's 2 eggs left.
The garbage pile was surrounding my kitchen.
Pearl helped me take out the trash before we left for class.
I had a cup of coffee before I left.
My stomach growled during a lecture.

I figured it wasn't going to be a good day.

True enough.

Another B on my essay.
As the day progressed, I learned to accept the grade as it is.
My mistake, quit sounding like a high school student.
Suck it up.
Do better next time.

Right.
I can handle that.

Now I'm sitting at home. I'm all alone in my room. My housemates are home.
My kitchen is as it was this morning, minus the garbage.
There's nothing to eat.

So, this is my life in a nutshell.
I am expected to clean.
To cook. Get groceries...

While all at the same time, maintain my grade as I spent thousands of dollars (my money, through student loan. NOT my parents' I should add) just to enter this institution.

& every evening, I become mentally exhausted.
Insecured.
Alone.
Uncared for.

Life goes on.

Daylights saving

Sun is shining through my window pane.
It's only 12 noon.
I woke up half hour ago. Still in bed, under my comforter with my laptop on my lap.

Today should be a good day.
I am in a much lighter mood.
& it's not cloudy out.

Pearl crashed over last night.
She's working on her artwork as we speak. She made a card. With a submarine pop-up.
Knowing full well I am a Beatles Fan. :)
Oh, the yellow submarine.

We're making lunch together later.
Salmon, Pasta & Scalloped Potatoes.