To feel your insides sink when the door shuts again. Because sometimes - time is a fool, decisions makes messes and you have to keep convincing yourself that this is for the best.

So you gather every part of you left, seeking warmth and to feel something again. Curled between your comforter and your bed. 

La Habana

Remember by the docks - on the east-side of Havana, where I felt loved. With the universe entangled between my fingers and yours. Walking all wobbly in the warmth of Cuban heat. Remember feeling butterflies from the sound of Buena Vista in the air leaving me bubbly.

Remember walking in the sunburning heat to pay respects to Che at the revolution plaza and Lennon who sat waiting at a park. And enjoying local ice-cream by the beating waves of the Malecon, only to have a shy waiter telling us he has no convertible pesos for change.

Remember realising bliss in unfamiliarity. By a cute cafe in the corner of Obispo just by the El Capitolio with a glass of orange juice as I was inhaling coffee. While rickshaws pass by, and laundries dance on balconies.

Remember timelessness without knowing age.
And understanding nostalgia, without having experiences first.

i don't understand why my chest feels heavy when i passed the street today.
but something tells me, it is because you are no longer there.

the breeze of nostalgia has hit,
and i miss the sound of a whistling tune.

Into the missing, and gaps, and splintered pieces we thought we could fix. We couldn't leave. Because like scars, the gap of a wound needed to be filled. So we filled ourselves with each other,
...over and over and over again. Fully knowing our skin is made of the same thinness. And again, and again, we thought it was each other that we really needed. Each other that we really need.

Pathos

In the name of loneliness.
We were magnets with magnified flaws, that kept returning and seeking.
But endings and beginnings are confusingly the same.
But even words that suppose to mean, lose meanings.
So we lose everything. The heart. The mind. The real.
The realm of make-believe we wanted so badly to be...

-written  2017/04/01

the better part of me

then i finally hear words

i've twice heard in my mind, 

it's like finding a home you will never again see

and feeling temporary warmth - i know will soon leave

because some days it helps to pretend
until the pendulum of feelings swings
and you realize
the gravity of breaking again

Undefined often spirals out of touch.

But it does not make it unreal,

May we never forget how it really feels.

but maybe we'll remember the feeling of wholeness and lightness at the same time

it is in that very moment that we may -

find our breath again.

labels

caught up in a moment like labels on a hook
happiness is easy
maybe falling in love
feels like gravity