There was a couple diagonally across from me on the Otrain, and I fought hard to not look at them from the reflection of the window. Yellow by Coldplay playing in the grocery store, and all that I feel inside of me is the familiarity. This feels too similar to a high school break up. My friend tells me I'm the character that Augustana sings about in Boston. I introduced to her the song back in first year.

Starting over.
"I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset"...

Between every sunset I have ever enjoyed, my favorite one was when it all began years ago. The sun set that marked the beginning. By the docks at Port Credit.

Move to find clarity.
How can I forget?
There is no eraser to life & I wouldn't wish one if I could.

I don't know why I'm here.

Pessimism

A passenger at the back of a minivan. While the scenes and cars change. While the passerby pass me by, so did the images in my mind. But I don't know how I got here. I don't know where I am going. I don't know why I didn't choose to stay. I don't know why I stayed.

I don't know...there are many questions. Many distillations. I've created my own confinement. I'm spilling words, bleeding feelings but I have lost coherency. My rationalizations and justifications have made less human out of me. But there too, have been mornings where I feel too much, it hurts. I don't want to feel, yet I want to feel. I am a walking contradiction....

I need reassurances, but little words pronounced with meanings have sounded meaningless to my ears.

Pretending is a mechanism. We know how to fake things, until we confuse superficiality with depictions of reality

You can read my thoughts and decipher my heart. You held my hand and walked beside me some lifetime ago, try as you might to be one with me. But you will still not understand me...though you possess loose twines and tangled strings of me in your fingertips.

Too often we conflate love for happiness, and happiness with love.

Love is not happiness.
Love is not suffering either.
Happiness is not love.

And when I once thought I had love all figured out. And found unconditionality of it....

The pages of my books flipped. The lights are switched and I am left with a white glare.

I still don't know what love is.

Rolling Pin

I don't know how many pavement steps
It takes to sit on when my knees give way
For my mind to smooth over my thoughts
Like rolling pin over dough

Paraphrasing relationships

Distance made us miss,
But missing was like the wind
It caused turbulence only capable
Of destruction in isolation

Maybe I was reckless with my words
My promises were undelivered
While you were little with words
Your ambitiousness sealed like decree

When hope was all that enveloped us

Your parts and my parts
Are now laid out in the open
On a canvas of a field like a picnic mat
Where our flaws and wounds display
Disfigured hearts we hold in our hands
& our knees stained in dirt

We break when we're breathing
We hurt when we're dreaming
We obviously still love

But we're incapable of fixing.