Bigger Plan

God is great. He took something away from me, and replaced it with something better. He's telling me be humble because I've been too arrogant. So I struggle and try to make ends meet, but I'm so fortunate. I'm fortunate because even though OSAP screwed me over, I still can afford university.

 Just had a meeting with the campus representative of Canadian Alliance for Community Service Learning. I will be volunteering every Wednesdays as a research assistant, to get students involved into the community. Good things are happening, they may not be monetary/income related, but I think I will learn skills valuable for my future. And more than anything, CACSL is really the mediator dedicated on implementing academic knowledge and creating social change. I complained last year about how the systematic injustice being academically thought is overwhelming last year. But I guess I have found the bridge to the gap that leads me to grassroots community change.

=) Things that happen in life can surprise you sometimes. It never goes the way you want it to be, but there's always a bigger plan by Him, for me.

P.S. I am so happy Cadburry is fair trade certified. I saw an ad on the bus about it which totally gives me so much hope for change.

Convincing myself

What am I afraid of?
Emotional distance. From time, business and separation.

Change is good, right? It keeps what we have alive. There will be challenges on the way, but we've overcame challenges before in the past. This is just another obstruction on the course that will take us up higher on the ladder. Different challenges will make us stronger. It's all muddy and dirt on the ground right now, but we'll reach the sky.

Yeah, it'll all be okay.

Burden of proof

There's no need to prove your greatness to the world. The world doesn't need proof. Because when the world fails you, only you will know who you really are and what you're really made of.

Sentimentality

Sometimes, I sit and look through the photos surrounded in my room. Sometimes I wonder. I wish we could turn back time. Back to when everybody is friends with everybody. Back to when lunchtime meant cruising in her car and blasting music while eating fries from Burger King, rushing our way across busy Hurontario barely in time for our next class. Or just sitting one Saturday, all four of us across Streetsville, sinking our teeth in cupcakes from Swirls, our favorite bakery.

This photo above was taken April 2008. Two years ago. This was what we called Our Great Escape. People leave for reasons of their own, friendship dissolve and time drifts away....But there is no denying that we will always remember the sweet memory of this Great Escape.

I can only hopelessly wish one day, things will be the same again. With the four of us. But they will always be Ridiculous, Jumbo and Amazing to me.

Clogged Artery: Fried Mars Bar & Suicide Burger

When I get mad, I type with many grammatical errors. Last night's post made me laugh a little. I just enough anger in me to blog about it, haha. I don't get mad often, it takes a lot to push me to the limit. Half the time, I'd get more sad and upset than be red-fire-angry. Well, I didn't end up waiting for the plumber. I left because I had somewhere to be at and the plumber was well more than an hour late. I wasn't keen on wasting much of my weekend, after such a hectic week. I left a text message to my housemates (as politely as I could, and I texted instead of callling, because had I called them, I'd start yelling and screaming) informed the 'punctuality' of the plumber and my need for some fresh air.

After picking up my textbook, I figured  my day would turn around after all. A little time to myself, and sometime after to be with my friends. Sarah and Pearl returned from grocery shopping, and Pearl lugged around a melon all the way home. The most funniest thing occurred when the melon rolled off Pearl's hands on the bus, and it started rolling away from her. We had desserts at Oh So Good because I've been told many times that the place served the best cakes. Switching up and starting dessert before dinner is always fun. In between their lemon-blueberry cheesecake, I had a sudden flashback of seven years ago, when I first met Pearl and Sarah. We were in middle school. Pearl has always seemed very artsy to me.I remember being in a class once with Pearl, in grade seven, and the teacher displayed one of her art work to the class. I envy her talent at drawing. She can do so much with a paper and the right kind of pencils. My artwork is limited to stick people. My first impression of Sarah was that she hated me, we joked about it ever so frequently because she thought I hated her. We had mutual friends, and I remember us all playing soccer over our lunch recess, and we finally striking up a conversation with each other. Well, she didn't hate me after all. We've had summers starting clubs, and selling lemonades. Raising money from garage sales for the Sick Kid's Hospital. Oh fun times. Memories always make me feel youthful for three seconds.

Sarah and Pearl followed me all the way to Melissa's birthday dinner after. It was a Saturday night and originally deciding on Hard Rock Cafe, we entered the olace to find it was full. So off we went to Zaks, because everyone loves the friendly 1960s diner environment and it was the only place empty enough to fit the 9 of us. Last I went there was the first time, with Omar, and the place suddenly made me miss him more. So the human rights crew and my high school buddies had dinner, I had a veggie suicide burger. It had different kinds of peppers sandwiched in between the patty and the bun. I was dared by the human rights crew to add more hot sauce and douced my fries and patty voluntarily. They were impressed at my ability to  handle spice. We had good dinner conversations and I  was glad to be surrounded by them. After dinner, Melissa picked up the dessert menu and everyone was grossed out at the fried mars bar. I was dared to order that dessert and finish it all, and they betted I couldn't finish it alone. I took the challenge and what came ten mins after was a filo-wrapped mars bar with three scoops of ice cream and chocolate sauce. I was about to clog my arteries. And bite after bite of the the greasy mars bar, and spoons after spoons of the vanilla ice cream, I finished the whole boat of dessert (recorded on blackberry) within eleven minutes.  =)

We took photos with the birthday girl outside. It started to rain and Melissa decided to give me a ride home instead of waiting for the bus in the cold. We walked all the way to her car, drenched and soaking wet after, another memorable part of the night because Mel parked her car further than we expected. On the way back, we sang to her tunes of what she called 'Old Skool Music', from Westlife to Backstreet Boys. Got home to find my darling online and in time to wish him happy anniversary. I passed out while online with him...hehe. All in all, I had the most amazing evening ever. Quite a turnaround from a shitty morning (literally, so to speak).

fml

I haven't had a fun day to myself. Today's supposed to be the day I go out, hit the mall and just have simple fun with my friends. Just my luck that toilet bowl is clogged with shit, overflowing and nobody can stay home today because they are all eff-ing "BUSY". Well EFF your bullshit. I haven't had a decent day to myself, because I've been working two jobs like a mother and balancing school and readings. This was supposed to be MY weekend, dammit.

And I have to be the one cleaning after ppl's shit in the bathroom waiting for the damn plumber who is half hour late.

fml.

=) Another month has passed.
You're still amazing to me
Happy Anniversary.

Love you to pieces.

Orange On White Sheet

An orange on crisp white sheet
Like paperweight.
Subtle, yet heavy, -
Like a simple package of tightly bundle.
Addressed and labeled
Sitting on the muscle in my chest
Stopping me from breathing.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

So I sink my worry with every sip,
No-
Every gulp,
Of the milk left from my cereal.

Because like the crisp white sheet,
I might rip
And I may tear.
But if you leave me be,
I may fly.
And you may never see me.

That's why I let the orange remain with the sheet.

Curry Chicken

I have been spending time doing many things, at times I completely forgot to eat! Since I wasn't working today, I figured I'd polish up a bit on my culinary skills.

So now my mouth smells like garlic and onions. Even though I ate two oranges there's a little after taste. I'll brush my teeth after this. My chicken curry and roti canai instant came out alright. I still miss mama's chicken curry. But this will do.   =)

I think my blue acai berry liquid body soap either walked out of the bathroom away me or I am immensely exhausted that I misplaced it.....
:(

One of those days

There are days I feel like the most messed up human being ever. That I'm not doing enough. That a million things may be happening at once, but I haven't done anything worth doing. That I encounter many many people, but none worth my attention. 

I guess today is one of those days.

If you really knew me

If you really knew me, you'd know that I overthink. That I am corny as hell sometimes. That I have odd moments of masochism. That I can be submissive, but spit words of fire when my limits are pushed. If you really knew me, you'd know I have insecurities.

If you really knew me, you'd know I'm afraid of being alone. I live a pretty quiet life sometimes, that I'd turn the music on just to keep me company. In fact, I have the T.V. turned on a I am typing this, with Spiderman showing, but I'm barely paying any attention to it.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I've had someone wishing me goodnight every night before I sleep. That I had a nightmare last night, after sleeping for just an hour, past midnight, but texting that someone made me feel better & less afraid after. If you really knew me, you'd know I care very much for that someone, and he's held my hand through so many downs I've had in my life. If you really knew me, you'd know that I love whole-heartedly, without looking back, without regrets. 


If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm happy. And there's no place else I'd rather be. If you really knew me, you'd know that faith, truth, love and strength are all I need.

If only.
Do you really know me?

Untimely

Your purple calendar on the wall
And post-it notes stuck on like glue
Stared blankly at your clock
Cursed at time for betraying you
Photographs framed above your bed,
Of memories in time vowed you’ll never forget,
But look where time has brought you now

Your coloured photographs faded, stained and wrinkled 
Have made you frown

Simple things

A little boy sat on the bus beside me, on my way back from work. He was bundled up in a blue windbreaker complimenting his blue eyes, kneeling on the seat and staring out the window. Then the bell rang and his forty-something-year-old mother scolded him for ringing the bell unnecessarily.He defensively replied "I didn't do it! But mommy, can you please, please, tell me when it's our stop so I can ring it?"

I smiled to myself then, because somehow, I knew he was about to make my day. He stared at me moments after. I looked to him and smiled. He then whispered to me, when his mother was looking away, if he could ring the bus to stop for me. Right about then, my 'maternal-tendencies' surfaced. I suddenly wanted to have a baby right then and there so badly....In fact, I wanted to hug the blue-eyed boy for being so cute!

So I told him, "surething" and cued him when to ring the bell for my stop. High-fived him before I left, while his mother shook his head and thanked me. Oh, silliness.

While waiting for the next bus, and all the way home, I couldn't help but feel elated about what happened. In the back of my head somewhere, I remembered what it's like to be happy from simple things. In fact, I vaguely remembered arguing with my younger sister whenever we were on the elevator, because pushing the numbered-buttons made me feel special and content!

Civility & Dignity

My $40 faux-leather jacket I bought with Christine last year never fails to make me feel more stylish. I wear it with confidence, and on days I feel a little insecure, I tend to swipe extra mascara on. Sometimes, I'd blow dry my hair puffy, so I'd look and feel like my hair is taking up extra space when I walk out my door into the world. It makes me feel dignified. It is one of my little quirks, I suppose. Tiny little overlooked quirks that thread up like a sheet of confidence. In my attempt to reassure myself, I wonder, to whom and what have I been masking myself from?

Maybe, myself more than anyone.
Obviously there needs to be an oversized 'perky' front when handling with customers and I have to look pretty and presentable. The back storage room at my workplace, in huge curly font writes "EXTRA SMILE ON, LADIES :)" on a piece of white paper, stuck with tape. The significance of a smile proves that I am approachable. If I am easily approached, the communication interaction I'll have with a customer displays knowledge and confidence. These little bits and details of gaining self-possession internalizes the unspoken and universal moral code. These little things keep us from losing our civility, and confronting anarchy.

Why do I 'mask' myself? Because the world tells me I should be lady-like, pretty, and carry myself with confidence. And if I don't one day and start to wear dirty, undersized, old unwashed clothes and maybe not shower in years I'd probably be stigmatized regarded as insane. Really, it boils down to what others think of me. I've internalized that since I was a child. My parents always tell me to change my clothes, shower, brush my hair after shower or it gets tangled and I'll look ugly, then nobody will want to make friends with me.

With confidence or self-respect, I make money, make friends and make a living. It is with these, that I find myself more as a dignified being, and less savagery. Funny thing is, that I'd probably still have confidence even if I'm a ruthles savage. Plus would have less worry about the cultural norms in place. I wouldn't have to worry about stigma and society's standards.

But I've conformed (since young).
Into the materialistic and ever so-'civilized' present.
And now I'm masking myself because society tells me to, because I'm afraid of confronting my savage-self and be alone forever.

Budget & Breakfast.

A bagel buttered and sprinkled with sugar, an orange, and my cup of hot chocolate for breakfast. I spent fifteen bucks on grocery, to last me the next couple of weeks yesterday. Frozen fish sticks, bagel, oranges, bologna and tuna. Home packed food is healthy food anyway. Off to work in half hour. I checked the weather forecast moments ago and anticipate an autumn chill of 8 degree Celsius. I drowned my warm tea to the last drop yesterday, on my way to the bus stop because of the wind. And it rained on my way back, I was walking without an umbrella.

Today's another day.
Just one day at a time, Shaf.
Although I can't wait to have a day to myself and just sleep in, do nothing, and fry my brains.
I'm A BUM. =)

Papercut

Write your heart, swallow your sorrows
Forget the story, -
Forget sympathy
Rip the pages, each words to pieces
Then tear it again,
And again,
Then again.

& feel your heart be free.
Nothing else matters,
Not even the words that once left you heavy.

Mindless, money & matter

OSAP decreased my funding drastically this year. Plus, I lost my scholarship. I find it terribly funny how my planet becomes inside-out, because of money. I've been comfortable last year, living out of student loan, and now I'm not so comfy. I became too dependent on the loan. But it's okay. I'll pull through with the minimal in my account. Besides, I know people well below the poverty line, still making-it. I have a roof, a refrigerator filled with groceries and my cellphone still works. I'll also be working part time generating income, so I'll be okay.

A little change and hard work goes a long way. I'll take this as a little assistance and motivation I needed to save up and reduce my debt in the future. Time to get creative & busy.

I love the registrar office at 300 Tory Building, which brings me to my second predicament. Tory looks like a bank. Like the one in Harry Potter. A rather sophisticated one with marble counters, and fellow 'registrar-ians' (like librarians?) assisting with course loads and academic conflicts. I headed there to ask if I could fulfill my culture and communication breadth with PHIL 2504, since it is cross-listed as COMM 2504. Gracefully, with much delight, Lady Registrar took out the six inches thick holy registrar bible. After much insight and wisdom, she concluded that it would not be possible for me to fulfill two breadths with one course. Course overload is my next best option and I will be doing six classes instead of five next semester. Good thing Lady Registrar was nice and rather motivating. I already had a bad day with OSAP's financial revelation....I was ready to cause a tsunami, had Lady Registrar been otherwise .

This is going to be one crazy year.

And I'm going to take it one day at a time, and be grateful.

Because my faith to Him is being tested. There is a reason why He gave me some things, and took them away after. He wants me to work hard again, and appreciate the things I have taken for granted. To bring myself down with humility, before I forget myself. He does all that while reminding me that I am surrounded by amazing people. That I have my family ready to do whatever it takes to make me happy. And I have friends contagiously making me smile and laugh after cramming two lectures, three hours each. Especially today, being the longest and busiest day of my life. And that I have an amazing boyfriend, who is a true best friend. I feel calm and comforted just by just talking to him.

:) One day at a time.
I am surrounded by love.
I will be happy. I will be safe. I will learn and be patient from this obstacle.

First day of second year

I strolled my way out the door of my house in a new pair of checkered black-and-grey flats, black sleeved blouse and my colourful blue, black and orange scarf, with a green rubber coffee-mug at hand. Locked the door of my house while sipping my pomegranate, berry medley lipton tea, and turned right to walk across the green campus field. I had just enough time along the way to be sentimental about my last breath of summer, and update my facebook status while reflecting upon what a great time I had.

Now I'm sitting alone at Uni Centre, with a book by John Demos entitled "The Enemy Within" about witch hunting in the Western world, lying beside Tomato, my laptop. I had four hours to spare after my Criminal Law lecture, to inquire CUTV about my Legal Method & Theory Class, and then boarded the OC Transpo train to South Keys. I left my pencil case in Mississauga, and figured I'd pick up a couple of pens and highlighters at Staples in South Keys on my break. While waiting for the light rain to pass, I browsed through the shelves of Chapters, surprised to find books being sold for less than 10 bucks. I picked up two books, and ended up spending twelve bucks in total after taxes. I could use some leisurely reading time this year.

All that, and I have another hour and twenty minutes left before my next lecture. Philosophy will be next.

It's going to be a long, long, day....

Steel watering-can

Steel watering-can, you lay still
For summer has left you lonely
And autumn breezes in lightly
With patter-the rain embracing
Your metallic face glistened, and tear-stained.

Perenials have blossomed to bid you farewell,
Maple leaves, once greenly,
Aged and waved adieu
Oh, solemn cherry branches remain,
Awaiting a blanket of white snowflakes.

So hide away, steel watering-can.
That you may see them again
Your shiny flawless metallic coat,
Have rusted with wisdom
From laying out and waiting for spring in vain.

Dork-emerging, oh no.

"It's ok I'll be close to you

no matter where you go"

:) I believe you. You're a man of your promises. I was half awake at 9am, reading your text message from last night yet I was smiling ear-to-ear about it. I'm still sprawled on my bed, hiding my head underneath my comforter smiling away as I am typing this. I'm such a dork, but I think you're special to me.

Oh joy, you got me all fuzzy and giggly inside.
Despite everything, I still adore you.

(oh gosh, I'm SO corny and need to get a grip).

Quit being pretentious. Don't try to be someone you're not. Your tongue-in-the cheek comments reveal nothing less than your double standard ways and hypocrisies.

Yeah, I'm hypocritical for posting this up.

Salam Aidilfitri, maaf zahir & batin.

In Short

This I have to say,
Between staring out the window and watching clouds go by,
To making faces at my reflection,
And sitting four and a half hours until my legs fall asleep

...I haven't missed the long bus ride home much. But a week away from my Rocky was too long. I know he misses me too, because he gave me a kiss when I walked through the garage door, into my house. And now he's sniffing my knees, sitting beside me. :)

Here we meet, there she goes

Out in the open rugby field behind the Alumni Hall, I witnessed first hand as first year students greeted their potential peers. Despite the drizzly, and chilly weather, I was bubbling with excitement as I watched two strangers, striking up a conversation and potentially becoming friends. I was standing beside a lecturer briefly sharing my first year experiences with him. It was extraodinary and mind-provoking; that I have been given the opportunity to replay 'first-year experiences' once again, it's like I own a time machine! Only this time, I get to be audience, instead.

I headed straight from campus to quickly pick up my luggage, and off to the terminal to bus my way back home for Eid. Originally hoping to catch the 1pm bus, I missed it but ten minutes, and was forced to wait an hour and a half for the next bus to Toronto. Needless to say, I did enjoy spending a bit of time watching the people around me. A chestnut haired girl in a pink sweater stood in line with her boyfriend. They both wore the expression of sadness, and I remember the two embracing each other until moments before the girl stepped to the door to board the bus. She's probably leaving him for university. I watched the boy pulling out his phone after, probably to text her (I smiled to myself, probably because this has happened to me). Oh...I can relate.

I admit, I am a bit of a creep watching people as a hobby.

With this, I conclude...

beauty is the bond of two strangers created. And beauty is the realization that the very same bond still exists despite physical separation

...I am such a pathetic corn-dog

Green light

My laundry spilled on the floor with my pair of checkered green shorts hiding visibly. I probably kicked the bag out of frustration last night. Two green post-it notes on my wall stuck above my purple-flowered monthly calendar. Written on them are last minute errands for today. There's a steel coffee mug with green rubber wrapped around it sitting beside my favorite photograph of us. My green mug that matches your black mug, I got it just so it'd remind me of you. Staring out busy Bronson Avenue, and the streetlight just turn green.

I'll take that green light as a sign-

The Crappiest Day

Funny how I had a super amazing day less than a week ago, and today, I woke up completely on the wrong side of the bed. It was terrible weather out. The kind of day I should just snuggle in bed and cover my head. But I was stubborn. Seeing how my laundry basket has overflowed, I decided to head out and do my laundry.

So I stuffed my dirty clothes into this huge blue Ikea bag, along with a plastic bottle half-filled with detergent and the box of fabric softeners. The second sign that my day was about to go bad was when my umbrella disappeared. I couldn't find it anywhere, so I decided to walk out in my hoody instead, which was a bad idea.

So I waited at the bus stop for what seemed like forty-five minutes. Calling OC Transpo twice and the automated voice at the other line reassuring me "Route 4, Rideau, next trip in five minutes". Well the robot lady on the phone lied, it wasn't five mins. So I gave up and started walking. Just as I walked 10 metres out the bus shelter and headed towards Bronson and Carling, oh what were the odds that I missed the bus I waited forty-five minutes for.

In the rain, I walked. It wasn't so bad, a few splashes of filthy water caused by passing cars sobered me up a little, I guess. From a nuclear explosion that was about to happen inside of me. So I arrived at the coin wash, stuffed my clothes into the washer and took a dollar out of my pocket. And just as I hit the start button, something went terribly wrong. The stupid monster of a washing machine ate my only dollar. I was ready to kick that stupid machine to the graveyard, when I spotted the camera above and decided to behave like a woman, less like a criminal and quit having such violent thoughts.

So back out I went in the rain to the gas station a block away and asked this cashier if I could break my $5 into a loonie and two toonies. But mean ugly old man told me, "you have to buy something, but here's two toonies and four quarters." I kept persisting and he kept telling me he needs his "one loonie, it's all that's left". I'm a student, and I'm trying to make ends meet with my tight financial budget...can I REALLY spend more money? Seriously, a washing machine just ate my dollar, so do I really want another dollar to disappear and spend on something unnecessary?

So alright, I walked out of the gas station and exploded, and burst into a terrible fit on the phone with Omar. I started to rain cats and dogs, worst than the thunderstorm outside on my way back into the coinwash. All that fuss to do my laundry. So in my flip-flops (oh yes, I misplaced/haven't unpacked my running shoes), I picked up my stuff and took the next 4 Hurdman bus back to my house....

I got home, soaking wet. With a headache, and now I'm sneezy. Maybe I'll do laundry tomorrow. Or I'll just wash my clothes in my bathtub.

I wish to be prettier.
MORE than anything, I wish to be prettier on the inside that you'd be blinded by whoever I am outside.

Shaf's "Splendidly Groovy" Goals for Second Year

1. Dean's Honor List
2. Higher GPA than last year. (90% in Courses)
3. Finish assignments a WEEK in advance
4. 2 hours of reading every night.
5. *READ every assigned course materials before classes
6. Dedicate time for CSAS & make it the coolest and awesomest group on campus
7. Be the coolest and grooviest ever Arts One Peer Helper
8. Be in touch with the family, friends & boyfriend as much as possible
9. Save money in the bank by December (for future loan debt payment purposes)
10. Stay fit, polish up cooking skills, be organized.

Hilfiger & boycott

I watched Oprah debunked the Tommy Hilfiger rumor about his "racist-comment" on youtube. I was slightly amused at how the man took 10 years to stand and clear up his name. Maybe he didn't care. He certainly lost billions of dollars from the chains of emails that circulated, calling out to boycott his products in the name of white supremacy and racial discrimination.

Now, if only we could start something like this to eliminate modern day slavery...

Problem is, that people are not directly affected by 'slave-labour'. An individual's race and ethnicity is more personal and sensitive than the essence of humanity at large. Plus, the issue of slavery is practically veiled. Pervasive and clandestine in nature. Nevertheless, it is still impressive how people willingly boycott when an issue hits the right soft spot.

Short Sweet Surprise!

I have the bestest boyfriend ever. :)
Visiting me days after I left Ottawa, leaving me not enough time to miss him. He just left and despite the busy schedules we both had (he came for work and I had work to deal with), we found time to make his short trip sweet. Next time, I'm taking him to the Aviation Museum, Preston St., Campus, the park behind Parliament Hill & the best dessert cafe in town (Oh So Good).

Loved that we couldn't decide where to go for dinner and ended up in a 1950's diner eating breakfast which served us 3 drinks (coffee, juice & water) each. All these, after a drink of Bubble Tea from Byward Market at sunset to break our fasts.

I feel complete, there's no division left between Ottawa and Mississauga seeing as he has seen what my life here is like. Two worlds have combined together, and things are definitely looking up. I enjoyed discussing flatulence humor with you. Love you!