=) I'm so special.

What a day!
I woke up this morning at nine from a call. It was a for a job interview. I probably sounded half asleep on the phone. So I lugged myself off my bed, got ready and dragged myself to campus because my printer broke down and I needed a copy of my resume printed. I was dressed all spiffy in my slacks and dress shirt. I even had heels on. It was hot enough that I though I'd dehydrate and evaporate on the way.

Passing the parking lot of Uni Centre, I bumped into a couple of first year Malaysian students, including a family friend I haven't seen in ages. She is truly someone with a big heart considering her genuineness in assisting the international students settle in Ottawa. In fact, she was the one who helped me settle and find a place in Ottawa last year. We caught up a bit then I made my way to Porter Hall on campus to pick up my bus pass. Headed to the library after, and to the Print Shop to ask they guy at the counter if he could print out my resume from my email account since I lost by USB. He smiled and said "surething!" then gave me his email address. He told me to walk up to the main level, to the computers, and send it to him. I did just that and headed back down and just as I was about to pull out my five dollar bill, the guy smiled and said, "It's okay, it's on me." That totally made my day because it made me realize and gave me hope that there are wonderful human beings on this planet!

So I headed back out and sat at the atrium for a bit since I had a lot of time until my interview. In between staring at people and pretending to read (my resume was what I read), I realized I haven't booked a conference room for my CSAS meeting this Thursday. So I headed back into the library.

Still two hours to go until my interview, I decided to walk back home in the summer sweaty heat and take a short rest.

I headed back out, walked the street of Holmwood and passed by pretty houses to get to Bank Street. I missed the bus but still made just in time for the interview. I got a little excited when I saw the shower curtains and was browsing around before I was approached by the manager. So the interview went smoothly and I was hired! =)

I CAN'T WAIT TO BE PLAYING WITH CURTAINS!

So anyway, I got home, cooked supper and loafted a little. Oh, shoot me...I just changed my shower curtains in the bathroom that costed only 10 bucks. My bathroom looks brighter and prettier now, in green.

Now I'm just sitting and waiting for my super special guest to arrive!

Ottawa Bound

I'm back in Ottawa after what seemed like a drive that lasted forever. I thought maybe after the 20+ hour drive from the Halifax trip, this 5 hour ride would be peanuts. Boy, was I wrong. Partially due to the fact that we woke up at 10 am this morning after being home from an iftar in Scarborough last night at nearly 4 am. We stopped a couple of times throughout the drive, once for a nap as my dad was falling asleep on the wheel, from the lack of sleep last night.

So here I am. Back in little O-town, surrounded by four walls painted egg-shell white exactly a year ago. I still see patches of neon green sometimes in daylight. I haven't missed Ottawa much, partly due to the fact that I had a memorable summer. I have done a lot of stuff, from travelling to catching up. Between the politics and drama here and there, I think the most important aspect of this summer was that the people I loved were within my fingertips (literally, so to speak). But it's still nice to be back. Nice to know I have another place to hide.

Four months came and went. Everything in my room seems in tact just as I had left it. My junkfood stash is refilled. =D

Can't believe how fast time flies. So here's to second year!

My future sexy black sedan

With one hand grasping the wheel of the Hyundai Accent, while my left elbow resting against the window, I stared out the window at an intersection. When the streetlight was red, I took the liberty to examine myself in the mirror and fixed my eyeliner. I felt grown up. I felt sophisticated, and I secretly liked the attention I was getting from passengers in other cars around me. I pretended to be twenty-seven years old for a minute. Driving my way to work, at a fast-paced law firm somewhere downtown Toronto. I could be wearing shiny black pumps instead of my silver flats. And a turquoise collared shirt tucked underneath a black crisp blazer with pencil skirt, instead of my blue top, black sleeve-wrap-around and jeans. Maybe, if I wasn't fasting, I'd have a leather thermos mug filled with black coffee on the front pocket beside my seat.(I'll have learnt to master the art of swallowing coffee black without cream by then of course!).

I like driving alone. My imagination wanders off while the radio plays music consistent to my light-hearted mood. Sadly, I was only driving the car back to Budget Rental for return. But I promised myself, I'll own a sexy black two-door sedan someday. Guess I'll have to work this the hard way and start saving!....I know the insurance rate will kill me. So I'll keep dreaming.

It's just another month.
No biggie.

Bunnies

Bunnies are so cute! Maybe it is their pudgy-ness. Or their furry velveteen ears flopped on each side. Or their buttoned nose. Whatever it is I walked into PJ's Pets Mart today, and I was smitten by a ginger floppy eared bunny. I wanted to squish him for being too cute and bury cheek on its fuzzy head.

Those helpless ears...that's got to be it!

I WANT ONE NOW.

Weakness

Sometimes you pry. You dig deep for a dirt, because you claim that your skin was scraped by another. Sometimes, you are blinded by a manifesting fire of hatred that burns red inside of you. Sometimes you think your judgments are sane.

But in matters of these times,
You may find what you've sought for.
You will be blinded by the lust for destruction
To such an extent,
That you'll never realize

that your actions are emergence from your weakness.

Changes & I

You tell me that I could do better. But I know this is the best. This is a one-way street, but I'm looking back. Looking at how far things have gone, and what it took to take us here. It was never the days, nor months. A year could pass with nothing defining ever happened. I want to take steps back. Away from the time, and away from the superficial numerical value. And look deeper at this bigger picture. Yes, I'd like to analyze a little, this masterpiece of imperfection I find perfectly fitted for me.

You're right. Talk is cheap. You've told me many times, that action speak louder than words. But tonight, words are all I have. Because as cheap I may sound, you obviously know I find comfort in expression. It is through words, I come to realization. And only through realization that I appreciate what I have within my fingertips. These words, are promises.

You treat me as an equal.

Despite that you are older. Every rudeness, demands, negative criticisms; they are evidence of what comfort I have sought from you and I abused. In other words, I speak freely towards you without any formalities or holding back because you brought yourself down to my level as an equal. And I took advantage this.I was the one who have asked for your patience many times. When I have seen that you have more patience that I could ever muster up. I get irrational, and have walked away but you stand your ground. You have never discredited my naiveté, opinion and demands. When I asked for change, you willingly accept and work to be better. But you keep telling me "you don't have to change."

Because you love me as I am.

And I take advantage of that.

Because I know you'll always be there for me.

And I want to do the same.
I want to be there for you.
You've been more understanding towards me, than I have. And I love that I stumble to learn new things from you.

Well, I hope you never change too....I think. =)

Pudgy Fudgy

Flipping teaspoon and scooping up a rich leftover brownie from weekend's dinner. It's gooey rich enough to burn my tonsils, but I'm satisfied with the chocolatey sensation. I probably gained five pounds from all the lazing around stuffing this summer. I subconsciously hope this fasting month will do me some health balance. Not that I am insecure about being pudgy or anything. I wish to never clog up any arteries. Promise to start eating healthy again next month, maybe. I'll substitute snacking on junk food with fruits instead....and yogurt....maybe.

Flipping through McLean's magazine, sitting across my youngest sister while two of my cats stared at each other at the other end of the living room.

I am bored.

My parents are out tonight. So is my younger sis. I'm babysitting & catsitting.
There's absolutely nothing on TV worth watching and I am all caught up with the Mad Men series. This is my second last week at home, and I can't believe four months of summer flew by so quickly. My summer list remains incomplete, but I'm not fussing over it....no biggie.

Think I'm gonna get me a scoop of fudgsicle ice cream....It's hot in this house this evening.

Self management

1. To grow a thicker skin.
2. It's okay to cry sometimes but only to myself.
3. Analyze in my head. And only to myself.
4. It is not up to me to judge.
5. Be calm. Not angry.
6. Trust.
7. Forgive.
8. Move on
9. Learn.
10. Love.
    
    

    ‎"The most excellent jihad is that for the conquest of self." (Bukhari)

    
    =)

If you love you don't "put up" with them. You'd do things whole-heartedly. If you love, you don't do things that make them sick. But if you do things that make them uneasy, you should fix it whole-heartedly. Out of love. Despite flaws and mistakes. For the betterment. It's not called putting up. It comes with patience. It shouldn't make you uncomfortable. Because it's love.

Hot and Cold

A table spoon of hot chocolate and half a cup of hot water

Two scoops of ice-cream

You get a cup of heaven. =)
Hot and cold confuse my senses.
Double the chocolate makes me feel happy.

...I was just bored, and felt like experimenting, really

Starry starry night

Have you ever walked in the darkness surrounded by nothing but trees? Passing by sleeping campers, and silence so still...you could probably taste the stillness in between your teeth. You're walking, on the path of soil past midnight in summer, but the chill that ran through your spine fooled you to believe it's already fall. You're not alone, linking arms with three to four other people. Yet the slightest motion captured by the penumbra of your torch makes you flinch.

Then your shoes hit the soft sands, and the trees disappear. You find yourself standing in front of a vast lake, of total stillness. Not a sight nor a sound of a wave hitting the shore. To the left, the back light of a car illuminated briefly, passing within seconds. Still linking arms, underneath the night sky, you lay on your back. And what revealed before you made you sigh with wonder.

A million stars scattering the infinite sky. Silver and gold, some outshining others. You desperately try to find your favorite constellation, Ursa Major also known as the Big Dipper, which is the pattern of seven stars aligned to form a Bear. But among the million, this constellation was nowhere to be found. You are disappointed, for every summer camping trip you've spotted the Big Dipper in the sky. But a sudden shooting star made you forget your disappointment.

You saw three shooting stars that night. It's different making wishes upon a star and when the clock hits 11:11. And whether or not, all 9 wishes you made came true, you know for sure, that this night was probably the best night of your summer.

All the way back to your tent, you hummed Starry, Starry Night by Don McLean in your head. Your heart filled with content and marvel. Like you were being presented another beautiful gift.

It is a summer of starlit sky this year.

Dancing lights & sleepless night

It is terribly stuffy and warm in my room despite the electric fan plugged in two feet away from my face. I'm yawning, even though I woke up about forty five minutes ago. I woke up feeling like a murderer from a terrifying dream... I don't recall what time I fell asleep last night. I was hopelessly wandering around the windows of my house, wishing to catch sight of the northern lights. Knowing, of course, that my suburban street is polluted with lights that diminish my chances of sighting anything. Nevertheless, as I tuck myself back in bed, I caught myself staring at the ceiling and over thinking things. I probably slept a bit after sunrise. At 5:30 am I guess.

It'll be fun being up all night at Algonquin the next three days. I'll be out and far from city lights too, and into the wilderness. I doubt any aurora borealis will appear.

But I can always be hopeful.

Two Worlds

I know I've said good night to the world.

But the earth seems bigger than it was a few hours ago. I wish for simple days. Perhaps I could use a time machine, to some place in memory lane. Or a teleport for everyone to meet again. To be reunited. Not just to hear another voice at the end of the telephone line reassuring me, that my thoughts are with them. Only to realize, the voice is a million miles away. Not just another photo to look at, but to physically witness memories and experience sweet laughter again.

To feel loved again.
I am homesick. I miss my grandparents, my aunts, uncles and cousins. A phone call does little to ease what I feel.

I pray for your full recovery and health Atok Ramli, InsyaAllah. I miss you terribly. I keep thinking about my childhood with you as the best grandfather ever...I think about you more than ever tonight. I remember you taking me to playgrounds, bribing me with treats and driving me in your dark blue van.

I know mama misses you so much more.

Madly, madly, madly

I broke my sunglasses again.
I guess it's a sign of a summer ending soon. I can't believe it's already August. I'm squeezing every bit of sunshine and sweetness left, like a bottle of sunscreen. My feet are tanned, that my toes seem lighter than the rest of me.

I have a little quirk. I mark every summer's memory with a particular song. Last year's summer music was Jason Mraz's I'm Yours. And the previous year was NKOTB's Summertime. I refuse to admit that I'm lame. I think I'll remember this summer with Tristan Prettyman's Madly. Listen to it. She sounds like Amanda Marshall. It's the only song they play at work that makes me happy too. Aside from Lily Allen and Feist, that is.

Regardless. Four days until camping at Algonquin. :)

Khaki dress and silver flats

City lights, on a Friday night.
I love the dark summer breeze blowing away,
Ambling the downtown streets in my straight-cut khaki dress.
And my only pair of silver flats.
I felt youthful yet sophisticated while linking arms with and strolling away among my girlfriends.

Sometimes it amazes me how places landmark feelings.
Passing by Gardiner Expressway, on the way to Harbourfront and I couldn't help remembering two summers ago visiting Toronto Island with a family friend. I felt seventeen again for two minutes. Crossing over Yonge St. to Union Station, only to remember last summer's downtown trip with Kelly and Connie to Queen's Park with Mr. Kontos. I thought I felt my heart skipped a beat from the excitement of high school graduation, last year. Greyhound busses that passed me by, sadly reminded me the end of summer.

& I wonder what I'll think about walking downtown next summer.