Snowflakes

I have been staring out the window for what seemed like half hour. Mesmerized by the sight of the snow, delicately falling to the ground. It is white everywhere, with pine greens and exposed branches. My thoughts have drifted away to the silence that surrounds me. I found peace. I feel at ease. Content with my wellbeing. I may be alone, but I'm not lonely.

Reflecting back to the anxiety last year, at this time, last year.
I do not regret this decision.
It's a beautiful campus. I knew I'd enjoy the environment.
It's a hard road I'm on. I have acknowledged it.
I am thrown with challenges that test my emotions.
At the end of the day, it was my decision to be here.
I've had the opportunity to be where I am.
& I will seize it.

Chilled out...

I found another place for me to hide.
3rd Floor of the library, Study Commons.
There's a couch and big windows facing pretty sceneries. :)

I'm sitting here thinking I need a haircut.
I should be reading but i don't feel like it.
It's nice to daydream....

Goodnight world

Today was a good day.

I hope to dream happy dreams.
& I hope you, who sleep underneath the same sky,
You who I am thinking of,
And wish to be beside,
You who I love,

I hope we dream the same dreams.

See you on the other side.
In another world,
Where time stands still for a moment
And everything all around is a picture perfect scene,
How I wish of things to be

Hermit, Turtle & Whale.

I just got off a nice long hot shower, currently lying comfortably in my "Funky Moo-sic" jammie with the TV turned on to the news.
I'm not paying attention to the TV really.
I turned it on hoping to gain some insight on what's new in the world subliminally.
Life's good. I'm in my comfy space.

I like this space.
It's my shell.
& I'm the hermit crab.
Hermits are cool.
They may be misanthropic....but they are spiritually in tuned, right?

Okay, maybe a turtle.
Turtles have shells too.
And in Nemo, they have a cool Australian accent and ride the Eastern Australian Current (EAC) like a roller coaster. Very adventurous...and fun

I can be adventurous.
And I know I can be fun

Speaking of animals, I remember an interview for an award last year. I was asked what animal I would be if I was one. I picked a whale, right off the top of my head. Because I said whales have the biggest heart. (Totally sold myself to the panel, because they laughed and I won the award...hehe).

In the end, I guess no one animal would define me.
I have many sides. I have many shades. I am my own colour. & I am my own animal (it sounds funny?).

White Noise

Silence makes me feel so empty.
But sometimes, it is in the state of emptiness that I find tranquility.
So silence can be good.

But when fear overcomes
And my thoughts released,
I become flooded with the uncontrollable.
And I doubt, when doubt is unnecessary
Or I lose my sense of security.

In fear or tranquility.
Or in both...

Young & Naive....

I just picked up Plankton and started playing some songs off the top of my head. It's silly how certain music can give me the feeling I had the first time I played it. You know, the

"I-am-not-sure-if-this-is right-it-sounds-like-crap-but-I'll-improv-and-play-anyway"
feeling?

If you've never felt it, and I did...chances are, I still sounds like crap but I'm just saying it is a 'feeling' so I don't feel so bad about myself...hehe.
Anyhow,

I forgot how much I loved Howie Day and Lifehouse. I used to listen to them a lot sometime ago.
Especially "She Says" by Howie Day and "Blind" by Lifehouse, just because I was trying to get over someone. I am listening to it as I am typing thinking, what a ridiculous child I was.....

Today, I realize that when a guy likes Howie Day and he quotes a line fron song from "Collide", he is NOT Howie Day. He can never be. And it was silly of me to have miserably, longingly, wished (at that time) that the guy I dumped would feel how Howie feels when he sang "She Says".

Oh and the lyrics of Blind...oh boy. It made me tear up listening to it for two weeks, but I kept listening anyway. Pity party...for myself.

I still like the two songs though.
I just giggle in my head each time I think about how emotional I got.
But you know, I love the emotional attachment I get to certain songs. It brings me back to places and time, and for a moment, I get to relive it all again and feel what I felt at that particular time.

Sometimes, I find another lyrical perspective from the same song and it makes me wonder what songwriters were going through that made them write the songs...

Coffee makes me silly...

I just downed my cup of coffee in 30 seconds, and as I sit on my bed with a french-dubbed Jim Carey movie on, I regret doing what I just did.
I should've savored every drop of my coffee like you and made it all worthwhile.

I feel so much more relieved after purging out my thoughts.
I love how you know that I stayed up late last night.
And how you know that something's on my mind without me saying anything.

You know me so well.
I kinda like the idea of having you living in my head.
I hope you stay there. You make me feel like everything is going to be okay.

& I know, things will be okay.

Overflow

I have forgotten how therapeutic writing can be. I used to spend nights writing. I'd be calm after putting my thoughts to words. But I've had my wake up call. It happened minutes ago. You talked about distance in our relationship. I don't like the idea of emotional distance. I don't think I can handle emotional separation. It is simply too much for me. Maybe I may not verbally able to explain my thoughts and irrational fears to you. Perhaps writing them, may help.

I was optimistic once. I had positiveness. I was witty, funny. I had creativity. I was ambitious. Life seemed easy.
As I am typing this. I feel like a pessimist. I am negative. I've become serious. Sarcastic. I lack in the creative department. I doubt. I overthink. And all of these strain our relationship. So here are my thoughts. I'll deconstruct them here. And after this, I promise it ends.

To begin with, I have been surrounded by many ugly truths from the texts I've read. It is not like I have never been exposed to them before. But I absorbed it all with naivete. I wasn't aware of the intricacies of a simple human right violation. Wars aren't just wars because people's skins are black or white as I have been taught in middle school. Wars are tools to eliminate subversives. Subversives of individuals who defy against the norm. And who would have thought complexities exists within the UN Declaration of Human Rights? The fact that it is written by a white man, shows it lacks cultural relativism. Colonization still exists, and globalization is proof of that. You're right. I hold emotional attachment to the things I learn. I get passionate when I start debating. The thought of CHANGE and PEACE has manifested and I become obsessed with it. Honestly, the thought of a unanimity in accomplishing a goal just seem impossible. World peace...I once thought to be attainable. But as I continue to deconstruct, I have become accepted to the notion that World Peace has many definitions. Humanity is selfish. My definition of peace is different from the person sitting beside me.

We want to legitimize our individual definition of peace, so that everyone becomes subordinate to it. Because we like power. We like to be on top. And we like to be right. I know I like to be right. I like to be on top, I am an overachiever after all. And I like to hear myself talk, and I barely listen. It happens in every arguments I've had with you. So you see, the world is filled with six billion people who seek their definition of "rightness" and "power" like me. Six billion people who won't just shut up and are not willing to compromise.... I'm one of them.

It's funny really, that I find flaws within the system and I can somehow connect it to my relationship with you. At the same time, it scares me. It made me realize that the things I do, the uncompromising side of me, may be little, but it certainly impacts the larger picture. How can I ask for compromise and diplomacy in the world, when I am myself unwilling to listen and open up to other perspectives? It's a contradiction, on my part.

I've been waking up every morning, with the burden of my thoughts. I wonder each day, what have I done to contribute to change. And every night, I concluded that I've done nothing. It depresses me. My problem is that I am restless with my lack of involvement. I've had too much time on my hands, that I've been thinking. I should stop thinking and start acting. At the same time, I may have subconsciously done little things, but I haven't realized or visually seen the impact of it. I used to think, that a simple smile to a stranger would make someone's day. I've done that in high school, and people have seen me as 'Smiley Shafiqah'. So, as silly as it sounds, I've been smiling to my bus driver, and thank him/her before I get off the bus. When I see familiar faces I've seen in my lecture halls, I smile at them...I can only hope it's something. Smiling, afterall, is healthy.

The root of my problem overall, is this. I used to think I know it all. I have been so certain to be a lawyer, that it became too concrete for a change of path. Part of is, is the idea that too many people know of this ambition of mine. Everyone knows, I want to be a lawyer. So when I start thinking of an alternate career or path, I get restless. I wouldn't want to know what others would think of a dream deferred. But I forget, that nobody can make me happy, but myself. Especially when it comes to dreams. This is my dream, and nobody elses'.

As I sit here, I know for certain that lawyers are activists. I have always been drawn to the idea of defending one's rights. I've even seen myself defending at an international level. Now, I wonder why the need to justify this ambition? Why do I doubt this?
I think I'm afraid to take someone else's problems at my hands. I doubt, because even I have unsolved problems. I have problems that I find hard to comprehend. I have problems that has no definite resolutions yet. So who am I to solve someone else's problems?
I think it seems hypocritical to help someone, when I am in a hole already. But, in every occupation, double standardness exists. A sick person can still become a doctor, just like how an ignorant may become a teacher and a dentist have imperfect teeth. Life is not just black and white, there are different shades of grey. So we are not perfect, but we want to specialize something that make us look like hypocrites. For what it's worth, hopefully our skills eventually make us less hypocritical. For me, I hope it enhances my conflict resolution.

You quoted today, that if I want to change something, I should begin by changing myself. Change cannot happen with negativity. Neither can it occur when I hold so much insecurity with myself. I need to change myself before I think about changing the world.

I have been confused and overwhelmed with the transitions in my life. I have accepted that completely and I believe that I have adapted to the change in environment. Regardless, as much as the change is perspective has been a significant aspect, I do not think it constitutes to my problem.

My problem, is insecurity and doubt. I am insecure of what others think of me and how I perceive myself, and I doubt the path that lies ahead of me. I doubt because of the materials I've read in class. I doubt because of the complications of the world. Because of the truth. I doubt the truth because I refused to accept it.
I become insecure of myself because I'm afraid to defer from my path. I am insecure of what others think of me not accomplishing my dreams. Importantly, I am insecure because I found my weaknesses and fears. Now that I know myself, I will convert it to strength.

I am not insecure anymore, because only I can make myself happy. Doubting makes me overthink. I will stop wasting my time with doubt. I know what I want in my life and I am determined to achieve it.

I cannot risk sacrificing my relationship with you by distancing myself, my thoughts and my problems from you. I've been selfish about wanting you to listen when I don't reciprocate it when you speak. I considered your advice as criticisms and sought to dismiss it entirely because I didn't agree with it at the time. I refused to agree with it, because I wanted to believe that I'm always right. But really, I was wrong. And even more wrong to be dismissive. You always have the best interests for me, in everything that you do. I neglected you completely, and it was unappreciative.

I'm sorry for putting our relationship at stake.

There's no point in looking back now, and wishing things are different now. Our relationship will continue to evolve. We may not have the excitement, and chemistry we once had from the silence through msn conversations. But I will always feel my heart racing at the thought of you being beside me. You will always be the person I think of every morning and every night before I go to sleep. There is beauty in what we have. This, I know it to be unconditional. After many arguments, stress, misunderstandings and confusions, you've remained by my side. I am sorry for being ungrateful. I'm sorry for being complicated. Above all, I am sorry for putting you through so much.

You've endured so much. I don't think my 100 'sorry' can make up for it.
Thank you for being patient. I am not lying when I say, that I love you more everyday.

You're right. This was just a phase.
Tonight, I will sleep with a clear mind.
I've cleared up much thoughts I've had in my head.

Tomorrow is a new day.

P.S. If you notice, a lot of conclusions I've drawn, were things you've said to me. Things that I refused to listen to. I love you so much.

We all fall down

The dreams some say,
It never dies.
A dreamer dreams, but dreams are lies
How can dreams lie, if dreams do not speak.
Dreams are after all made by dreamers.

An if dreams do exists, forgetting is impossible.

So a dreamer chooses to desert her dreams.
She may live with regret.

Narcissism

I got lost
In the beauty
& landed on this empty street.
I found doubt
In forbidden thoughts

Hope lies between

& the wrong is in fact real

The world was not half as bad
Until it trapped me
Still
In vanity

So I surrendered myself
To the dirty hands
Oblivion lies within me

My chicken <3

Omar ate 3 eggs.
3 potential chicken eggs. Now in his tummy.
Well guess what Omar?
You're gonna turn into a chicken soon......they're coming for you.
You're gonna have a chicken tummy.

I'm serious.
No.
Really.

:) Don't worry, I'll still love you.
In fact you can be my pet boyfriend.

And be Rocky and Shaza's new friend

P.S. I'm gonna eat you after...OMNOMNOMNOM

thinking of overthinking thoughts

Rene Descartes thinks therefore he is. But when I think, I lose myself in a sea of complex thoughts. I have a problem. My self-diagnosis states that I have officially become a pessimist. Ironic, I'd say, considering I find myself smiling a lot. Well, I won't deny that my charming crocodile smile is in fact my best feature. (Boy, do I sound cocky)... Regardless, I think that I overthink, and my problem with thinking makes me feel worthless, undignified, insecure and ignorant.

So as of today, I acknowledge my problem.
You know...like how an alcoholic acknowledges he is an alcoholic.

And for every negative thought that surpasses through my conscious, I promise to think of an alternate positive thought. It's a start. And I will use my crocodile smile as a tool.....because someone told me once that even if I fake smile, it sends out positive chemicals/juices in my system.

I feel sorry for those people around me...they'll think I have split personality

over-thought

I want so much to grasp on to everything I can, every aspect of your life,
I find that I am slowly turning myself into a control freak.
Sometimes I think my paranoia gets the better of me.
You're right, I should stop over thinking.
But I can't help but worry.

2010

2009 was a Transitional Year. As midnight last year, I embraced the changes, experiences and challenges. It was a year where many dreams were accomplished, memories of happiness surfaced, and above all, it was a critical year shaping the person that is me. Maybe by reflecting 2009, I hope I can conclude to a resolution for 2010.

Drama was my passion. It still remains so, I believe. I remember the feeling, when the curtains drew open for Not Another High School Play to perform their final act at Sears Drama Festival. It was nervousness, pride, excitement all at once. I remember standing onstage after acting in The Empire of the Magic Beanstalk, thinking that I have spent four years of high school performing to a crowd. It felt like I belong there, somehow. I remember walking out to the boardwalk, staring at the school the night after our final show, with my best friend, reflecting on our years of drama experience. It was surreal. It was the end of directing experience in high school, such was my thought then. I felt this again during Arts banquet, when I was slow-dancing in a circle with members of my drama group. But now, as I reflect on this, I am afraid to think it all went to waste. For that, I hope to put into action whatever skills I have accomplished from drama and directing. As for my interest in drama, I will continue to find ways of nurturing it.

When I turned eighteen, my facebook status explained the amount of hours I had of childhood left. I thought I had to terminate any youthful aspect of my life (the fun stuff), and dedicate entirely to the maturity. So shoot me, I used to leave fruits on people's doorstep and drew faces on eggs leaving on people's garage doors....and after I turned 18, it all slowly disappeared. I acknowledged the need for responsibility. I realized, that I would be restricting myself entirely if I devoted myself to maturity entirely. Moving to Ottawa has made me lean towards this side of the spectrum, and I hope to reclaim the 'fun' side of life. Of course, the definition of 'fun' is fluid, it may change eventually with age. Nonetheless, I promise to appreciate the details in life, and make it a mission to indulge myself into worthwhile experiences....regardless my age. :)

I remember receiving my first acceptance letter from University, it was from York. As exciting as it was to move ahead and enter the 'Real World', it was nerve-wrecking deciding the path of my future. But then I realize, that the path is never straight. True that we may plan where to go, what to do, and figure out why we choose what we choose. But as we experience something new every step of our way up, our paths may be deferred, but we are constantly learning from this deferral. I hope to remain open-minded with what lies for me in the future. But I do pray, that despite the unknown challenges coming my way, I accomplish happiness which is the root of my success.

I have made many friends. And I admit my tendency to become unclear with what I want within a friendship. I have made unfulfilled promises, and my excuse has constantly been "I'm busy".
Regardless, I once thought that friendships can be mended but I have learned that you cannot do so superficially. If distance is required, to move on, it should be respected. Friendship requires little effort with distance as a factor, because it happens naturally. However, when the mutual friendship disintegrates and all that's left is memory, I see no point in deconstructing to reclaim the past.
With this in mind, I seek for clarity in what I want in a friendship. Busy will not be an excuse because if I love a friend, it should be only be effortless and natural that I want us to continue to be friends.

I have had the most beautiful of all experiences during the summer. I hope to never forget them. I am blessed to have shared them with someone. One who has supported me, through my success and downfalls regardless distance and or circumstances. One who has seen right through me and loves me despite my flaws. I owe very much to him. I anticipate many challenges with us ahead, but he knows as much as I do that we'll both be prepared with what is to lie ahead. He is honest, strong, sweet and ambitious...and I am his! :) I love him, and I hope with God's-will we accomplish our dreams that is fated in the path for us.

My greatest challenge of the year, was moving away from home by myself to Ottawa. This itself constitutes to the biggest change in shaping up myself. I remember the heavy heart feeling of leaving. I remember the fear. I remember the excitement. All in all, I was afraid. I remember the feeling of confusion, disorganized, blankness and insecurity the first time my family left me all alone in Ottawa. It was a shock. I was thrown with responsibilities which I anticipated with turning 18, coming in all direction. Between financial stability with bills and rent, to figuring out what to eat, and juggling with academics while building myself up a circle of friends here as I remain in touch with families and friends at home.....it was hard living 2 lives, and bouncing between 2 cities. I can honestly say with certainty, that I believe, I have overcame the difficulties. I have gained insight in the skill of prioritizing. But as I immersed myself with these 'mature' aspects of life, I became slightly depressed because I lost myself to the routine. But as mentioned, I will seek fun and take the time to appreciate the little things.

My greatest experience of 2009, was my commencement. My greatest success being my privilege to represent my graduating class as valedictorian. My greatest emotion, was receiving my first ever standing ovation. That night truly reflected upon my year, it sums up what happened in 2009. It was a transitional moment, between ending high school for good and stepping into university. I was surrounded by people I love as audience members, and I was surrounded by memories. And as I delivered my speech, I will always remember the feeling I had in my heart.

All in all, 2009 was the year of goodbyes. Goodbye, in the sense that it is simply a word uttered, to terminate the moment, but forever remember the experience. So we're moving on, but we're never letting go because we're holding strong to everything that happened. It has been an amazing year.

And today,
I woke up with a new chapter
A new play of my life written to be enacted
A new perspective for appreciation
Preservation of my youth
A new attitude to accomplish happiness
A new clarity in the definition of friendship
With more love than than I had for him, yesterday
Enjoying my liberty as an independent woman
& a promise to remember everything worth remembering.

With these, I commence my new journey for 2010 :)

P.S. I wonder what I'll label 2010 as.....