Impressions: Belize

Garifuna music serenaded me while I waited for my red luggage at the airport. Now pondering faces stare out the window, at the lush greenery Belize has to offer. I am sitting on this blue school bus, with warm wind ferociously blowing at my face, brushing my hair in a chaotic frenzy. Inhaling the humidity mixed with dirt/soil of central American air....an atmosphere triggering familiarity.

The country roads remind me of Malaysia. With its complimentary tall coconut and palm trees. Wooden houses in my peripheral vision evoking memories of my great-grandmother's in Melaka.

It is funny how my identity resurfaces and these images tug at my roots. Especially when I am so far from home. It is funnier how Malay songs automatically stream into my earphones from my cheap mp3 player, setting the mood. Coincidence? Or maybe Belize is trying to tell me something...

Passing by shambles for houses. Young boys burning garbage with skin as copper-coloured as my own. A photograph Omar once showed me, of his grandmother burning garbage in Malaysia suddenly entered my minds' eye.

I wonder what else Belize will bring...

-written from my journal in Belize City, to San Pedro Columbia 16/02/13

Pre- Belize reflection =]

“We are travelers on a cosmic journey,stardust,swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” - Paulo Coelho

Here I am again! Mixed with conflicting emotions I may just find myself doing cartwheels after writing this looooong rant, to shake myself off this surreal feeling (deja vu, much?).  And again like last year, my heart is doing the weird "leapy-firey-excitment-thing"...the kind you feel when you're in love, I guess. And whatever it is, I am pretty sure this is not a delayed-valentines response.

I never thought I'd be doing this again. I am honestly feeling a little nostalgic over Guatemala. In fact,  I have spent so much time missing what I experienced in Guatemala, and tangling myself in a puzzle of trying to understand where I stand....I haven't realized how quickly time flew by! There can only be so many words and photos to describe the memory. But I guess too, that there can be just enough space in the capsule of my mind before time finds the need to re-create newer memories. Overwhelmingly excited over Belize, nevertheless!

For some reason, I am hearing Max's voice (the principal in the Guatemala school) subconsciously reminding me to be grateful in the back of my head. And I am starting to see things a little more clearer right now, than I did when I first applied as Team Leader for this trip. I guess part of 'giving back' and being on an ASB trip again is a way of convincing myself.  Reassuring that I am capable of exercising gratitude. And that I am able to be objective (from outside, looking in), as a team leader...to observe and deeper understand what I went through last year.

I admit too that in a sense, choosing Belize as my destination is a way of 'daring' myself. I have been a little possessive over last year, like it was worth material value, I think I remained stalemate for a bit. Belize will challenge me to take another step forward, to put Guatemala a little behind me. And move  a step ahead to a direction, where I know my interests (and what I continue to believe I was meant to do) will guide me. Progression does not occur by staying in the same place, without letting go.

--So I am surrounded by a group of fifteen other incredibly passionate team members, who share similar goals as I do. We will be with each other for more than a week, and I am super enjoying how my team has naturally bonded with each other! At one end (and without getting ahead of myself) I feel a little like a "proud-parent". But in all truthfulness, I know that THEY will be the ones REALLY teaching me more about myself.  I already find myself aware of my own competencies from my interaction with them. And even though I am positioned as their team leader, I am certain that they will be the ones leading me to a greater understanding of myself and my involvement in community service.

At the other side of the spectrum, and as cheesy as it sounds, this trip will tie the loose ends of my undergraduate experience like a ribbon on a present. It represents what it means to 'give back'. Not just to the Maya Kekchi community there, as a testament to my activism on the right to education. But also to those who have supported me, from the stories I will share. It is also a way of giving back to my academic institution, by applying the knowledge I have accumulated, and facilitating community service learning to my team-members.

And perhaps, it is also a way of giving back to myself...

I have many times found myself metaphorically relating my trip to Belize as a bookmark. Unsurprisingly, as this is my final semester, this trip represents a pause. A breather. Or what Paulo Coelho calls parenthesis, before I finish the conclusive sentence in this chapter of academia.

It has never been just about what I can give. And what I can do to (I dislike this overrated phrase) 'change the world'. Because when I compare my contributions, in relation to everything around me, I know that I am just a speck of dust in a universe of infinity. It is also not always about what I can receive at the end of the line. For that will cloud my purpose and intention. There is a difference between expecting to get something out of an experience, and embracing. I intend on choosing the latter.

One of the greatest gift in life is our capability to engage in relationships. To meet, express and find means of understanding. Two things have the capability to make me feel tiny inside: being discomforted by immersing in an unknown territory and being confronted by knowledge you know you cannot reverse.  It is from feeling tiny that I realize and accept what being human means. I am pretty sure I will find myself this way...again, and again.

Studying law has taught me human interaction leads to regulating relationships. But life has shown me the importance of maintaining and valuing human relationships. (And I've seen much of this from the contributions, efforts, wishes, prayers and support given from my family and friends. From donations to simple thing as 'liking' my [awkward] statuses, they all mean a LOT to me).

One of the most humbling moment for me has been the continued encouragements from my family, boyfriend, roomates and friends, notwithstanding that this is my second Alternative Spring Break trip. It's hard to not be emotional when you start realizing that behind the act of kindness and generosity, is motivated by the sentiment of love. Wishes from my cousins, aunt and uncle half a world away serve as a reminder that distance is not a barrier for maintaining relationships. Truly blessed for the support you have given me.

Please keep the safe journey and return of my team members and I in your prayers. I apologize in for my shortcomings, and for not blogging often before this trip. But I'll promise to share as much as I can...count on me to take at least 600 photos (if my memory card allows me).

As I leave Canada, and the comfort of my house, my heart is reminding me again that wherever my feet lands I will find home.

To the parenthesis in our lives,
More memories, and moving ahead
To growth, humility and most important of all...
To embracing our ability to love, and accepting that we deserve to be loved

:) Please don't hesitate to miss me.

Blue skies your way,
-Shafiqah

P.s. if you are looking at the stars at night, think how silly it is that I am likely to be staring at the same sky at the same time (except if it is night time in, I'll likely be scrambling to find the "Big Dipper" in Belize if that's even possible, it's the first thing I do when I see stars at night)...

....okay too corny. Be back on the 25th! :)

1 night away

I have my bags packed and just finished a phone call with my bestfriend. My words and composure do not reflect the tempest brewing in my chest right now.

God knows why and what I'm feeling.

:)

Possess

Part of being human is attempting to possess everything in our hands. From memories, to love, to time...

...things that bring the illusion of tangibility, when they exist beyond our reach. But we are vulnerable. And we are stubborn.

& we keep persisting.
Until we find ourselves on the ground,
Then trying to stand back up again.

What does it mean to pour your heart out? What does it mean to explore crevices, and territories of your inner being. The soil of your soul. The unknown.