To the self

The best memory was walking along the shores of Brackeley Beach, P.E.I. We picked seashells that now lay in the organizer of your car and watched the sunset on the Atlantic horizon. Maybe it's a tie, I absolutely loved Peggys Cove too. There was something self-fulfilling about watching the waves crash against the boulders. It makes you feel tiny.

I guess this pretty much sums up how I felt about 2010. The year I felt tiny, and realized the Greatest wonder before me. The year I make mistakes. The year of trust and mistrusts. The year I realize what it really means to fight, what happiness really depends on, who I really am. 

The year I realize, that I am only human. We all are. 

For deeper love, stronger faith and dedication in the Almighty. To greater closeness with my family and contagious laughters at home and in the car. To beautiful blue skies ahead, and realizing that even without blue skies I can have fun and be happy. To simple things in life. To wisdom, and patience and criticality without being judgmental. To learning, and continuous growth. & writing on more days with least paranoia. To overcoming my fears of silence, with serenity. To trusting myself. To singing the songs playing while doing grocery. To leisurely reading while laundry. To wearing my favorite sweaters on rainy days. To learning to love the rain, snow, sunshine and cloudy days. To smiling to bus drivers and thanking them. To change, without being a different person inside. To awareness, and strength, and persevering.

To making mistakes, falling, regretting and forgiving as the root of strength.To carry out these words and act upon it. To becoming human, embracing weaknesses and gracefully growing. To continue being tiny, under His greatness.

=] It will be the year I reach two decades old, InsyaAllah.
May He protect us all, and grant us strength.
To being positive.

Much love from me. Have a wonderful second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year.

<3 =)

Indecisive

I think about things, and sometimes my thoughts manifest to an overwhelming paranoia. I don't remember what happened the past three months ago, but I always find excuses to say it was terrible and I wanted the year to end. I don't like feeling overwhelmed, and I don't like silence when I'm all alone at night. Silence makes me think. Thinking makes me feel messed up. When I feel that way, I blog. I write my heart out. I write because it calms me down.

But I was in a car, with my best friend and we drove past my high school. We drove past streets I used to walk to every morning to go to school. I grew up. That's what happened. We talked about memories of two years ago, but it felt like decades back. Time. Time. Time....it has always been about time. Rewind buttons do not exist. You experience something each day, and you will get nothing back, but just fragments of memories. Maybe sometimes, you get a feeling inside of you, like warm fluid draining through your heart down to your stomach. I felt that. And I started thinking, and feeling paranoid.

I don't want 2011 to come yet. Okay, maybe I do. Or not. I don't know. Never mind, I'm just confused really.

I feel so old.

Democracy & Secularism

I am sipping my can of Pepsi and Rocky is staring at me. With a book by Tariq Ramadan loosely resting on my tummy. Entitled "The Quest for Meaning", I am just about ten pages through the book. Reading how perfectly he arranges his sentences just inspired me to hit up my blogger dashboard. He is crisp with words, poetic with metaphors, but that goes without striking the most precise points. In some way or another, I want to be like him. A poet, philosopher, a critical thinker, and more than anything, an intellectual defender of the Islamic faith.

During the convention, he spoke of laicite or secularism within the Western community and the role of religion. Sometime ago, I wrote a paper for my Women's and Gender Studies' course on this topic. I concluded with reference from Joan Wallach Scott that the politicizing of the veil was an act of 'controlling' the population of immigrant Muslim community in France to maintain the spirit of eurocentrism. The majority of the Islamic community in France arrived from the predominant countries once colonies of France. The "veil" is an exoticized term, a metaphorical symbol of the unknown. The unknown, is the threat of France being colonized by their historical colonies, which is a premise of the hijab ban.

Dr. Tariq approached this topic uniquely. He asserted that it is possible for a state to be completely separate from religion through secularism. Provided, that neither infringes on the other. Meaning, the state does not impose on religion and/or vice versa. This does not mean a complete divorce of the two, because pluralism demands a variety of beliefs of which stems from religious and cultural biases. This makes so much more sense to me. In Law, State and Constitution, Mark Wahlberg (my prof), constantly reiterated from the Federalist written by Madison about popular sovereignty, and echoed Rousseau's (Frenchy philosopher) "will of the people". Clearly, social institutions are becoming more diverse ethnically and ideologically, which means that secularism is inevitably tasked with embracing the variety of "wills" as imposed by "democracy".

A hijab ban contradicts freedom of religion, and minority rights. So what happens to the will of the minority under eyes of laicite? France claim this ban was done in the name of strict equality within the public realm. A ban, is an act of prohibition, a proclamation of something as immoral under the legal framework. So a piece of cloth, a symbol of faith to a particular religious group is declared to be forbidden as it violates the notion of equality. So I guess France should ban male facial hair next...since growing a beard is a sign of faith, right? What gives the right of a state to declare how a person dresses up as immoral and a violation of equality? ''Democracy' and 'laicite' does give that right apparently. But we look through that excuse and see that authority, power and intolerance as the true impetus.

But trust me, as our little global village diversify, it will not be much longer until the "will of the people" will bite France in the butt. Society advances, institutions change, and as Tariq Ramadan emphasized, we are past the discourse of integration. French Muslims are citizens of the France's 'laicite' institution, and as Muslims are citizens of various other Western countries. I am in Canada, a Canadian citizen, and I am Muslim Canadian. I do not support Canada's troops in Afghanistan, and I have officially made it a personal goal to fight for the Sharia and defend it as it has been commonly misunderstood. We do not seek or inhabit to terrorize countries we call home. But we are here to challenge the institutions and carry out societal progression with respect, tolerance and human dignity. What this goes back to is that the state should support religion as much as religion should be supportive of the state. Support by engaging in critical discourse without imposing nor diminishing the other. The democratic principle demands voices be heard not silenced.

Okay enough ranting.   =P
But seriously, Tariq Ramadan is my role model.

You know when you watch someone you love be really funny, and you think to yourself that person "will go really far in life"...and you get the warm feeling of pride inside watching that person smile?

=] I felt that today. And I hope that person continues to be happy in everything that comes in life's way.

I just had the most memorable and sweetest lunch. 

Shakespeare

Othello killed his wife Desdemona despite her claims of being innocent. Othello's Error is the term coined by Paul Ekman when an individual falsely accuses one who is innocent through Facial Action Coding System. Robert Dziekanski's death resulted because of FACS and the discretion of the police, with regards to using taser.

I am Othello. & I don't want you to end up like Desdemona.
So I am really sorry for my lack of better judgment and silly obsession. I should be more like Rosalind from As You Like It. She is after all, my favourite character in my favorite play.

But this is me, as Miranda from The Tempest back when I was in grade 8. I was such a drama queen.

l'orage

Dans mon coeur,
il est comme le feu orange
il pleut
sur ma tête

il m'a donné sa parole
elle etait vides comme le verre
mais je l'ai prise tout comme le trésor
bien que dans mes mains
il n'y avait rien

Bumblebee

A lonesome flower, stands tall.
The only chrysanthemum in a field
The last satchel of nectar
Surrounded by grass so green.
For a solitary honey bee.

The flower and the bee.
Acquainted to be
Companions under the glorious clouds.
Such wonder and simplicity

For every honey bee,
The hive lays far from the flower to see
& like every busy bee,
Time is a blessing for lively slavery.

So the lonesome flower waits,
With summery hopes of duty.
Still waiting, and wilting with dignity,
For that one busy honey bee.

Paper

Paper wall
I'd cover the white with words,
In black ink.
Permanently, just in case.

Paper thin,
I'd cement it solid with passion,
An artsy contour of irrationality.

Paper heart,

Please don't fold,

Or tear,

Or recycle.

Protect this piece of paper 

Pin it on the bulletin

Old man winter

You thought your 'made-in-China' winter boots from Aldo could handle the mighty Canadian winter at least, plus the boots are all furry inside and you're wearing your favourite thick purple socks. But when your toes feel a lot heavier than usual and you try to wiggle them in your boots, what really happened was

you raised your big right toe. 

Yeah, old man winter is back.

Thank goodness boots are not transparent or else everyone who waited at least half hour or more for the same bus as you would've seen your awkward, continuous and frustrated attempts at wiggling your little toes. The frustration did help in generating some heat.

So you decided to be a tank and started imagining yourself as Wonder Woman. And after about half hour waiting for the bus you were frozen solid like the meat in your freezer. You thought, "Heyyy, I live so close to campus, I should be walking!" and you forgot the real reason you were waiting for the bus was because you did not want to pass through the 'hypotenuse-pathway' which was probably iced and fluffed up with inches of snow. 

But you went and walked anyway. With a scarf half covering your nose and everything but your eyes, then every five seconds your glasses kept fogging up, but you kept going anyway. You thought about sunshine, and summer beaches to keep yourself warm and even promised yourself hot chocolate when you reached home.

But what really happened was you passed out in bed still shivering under covers in your sweater. And now, you're up, confused...with a runny nose and a heavy head. So much for being a super hero in the winter. And now you're hungry because you slept for who knows how long.

Oh, no. This never happened to me,
that's why I wrote in second-person
Maybe it was all just a dream.  =]

Question?

Sometimes, you want something so bad, you'd do anything to get it. Sometimes, you don't get things you know you deserve. There's a reason for that. That reason will forever be a question to you.

It will remain a question, until you work your way ahead somewhere to do something you never thought you'd do. Then realize you've found the answer.

But sometimes, you should just stop searching for answers. Maybe it's already staring you in the face. Or maybe, you're not moving on ahead, far enough, by keep asking the same questions and obsessing over the answer.

Which one am I?

Grey's Anatomy

Too bad grade 11 Chemistry and Biology proved my lack of interest in the Sciences. If not, I'd rock the white lab coats, be super-duper intelligent and save lives. Nevertheless, definitely the worst time of the year to get hooked on a new show, but I'll use it as motivation after study hours. I love how the show makes me feel 8 years old again. I wish I was Meredith Grey....

Defrost

Ashes of freedom captured in textbooks have left me dry. Peace is a frequent topic, like stale burnt toast that keeps you wondering. My heart, I'd like to hide. Before this winter freezes it further. In fact, I think it needs some defrosting already.

Actually...my brain first.  =]

Sepia

Burn, bright and shine
Lose your tunnel
And find the sun
& here comes the rain
It's been too long today

Between songs and signs
All the things you say
Bright, single photograph
Sundrench the tea to stain away.

Someday, someday

Someday, when I get my LL.B.
And become a qualified lawyer,
I want the voices of people who have been silenced to be heard.
The voices of those who have been exploited, and abused
Denied of their basic rights.
I will not speak for them.
They will speak for themselves.
I will be the one supporting them.

Someday will be not much longer.
These textbooks will only nourish my limited mind
To better myself and understand the injustices.

Okay, this is just a self-motivation to do good on my finals.

I'm a hermit.

A plate full of tomato sauced beans, scrambled eggs and potatoes. Just like every Saturday mornings at home. Sometimes, mama would fry sausages too.

Now it's dark out, the clouds are in.
Thunderstorm and textbook.
I shall nerd with cookies and cream.

What I really wanna do, is curl up and sleep.