Civility & Dignity

My $40 faux-leather jacket I bought with Christine last year never fails to make me feel more stylish. I wear it with confidence, and on days I feel a little insecure, I tend to swipe extra mascara on. Sometimes, I'd blow dry my hair puffy, so I'd look and feel like my hair is taking up extra space when I walk out my door into the world. It makes me feel dignified. It is one of my little quirks, I suppose. Tiny little overlooked quirks that thread up like a sheet of confidence. In my attempt to reassure myself, I wonder, to whom and what have I been masking myself from?

Maybe, myself more than anyone.
Obviously there needs to be an oversized 'perky' front when handling with customers and I have to look pretty and presentable. The back storage room at my workplace, in huge curly font writes "EXTRA SMILE ON, LADIES :)" on a piece of white paper, stuck with tape. The significance of a smile proves that I am approachable. If I am easily approached, the communication interaction I'll have with a customer displays knowledge and confidence. These little bits and details of gaining self-possession internalizes the unspoken and universal moral code. These little things keep us from losing our civility, and confronting anarchy.

Why do I 'mask' myself? Because the world tells me I should be lady-like, pretty, and carry myself with confidence. And if I don't one day and start to wear dirty, undersized, old unwashed clothes and maybe not shower in years I'd probably be stigmatized regarded as insane. Really, it boils down to what others think of me. I've internalized that since I was a child. My parents always tell me to change my clothes, shower, brush my hair after shower or it gets tangled and I'll look ugly, then nobody will want to make friends with me.

With confidence or self-respect, I make money, make friends and make a living. It is with these, that I find myself more as a dignified being, and less savagery. Funny thing is, that I'd probably still have confidence even if I'm a ruthles savage. Plus would have less worry about the cultural norms in place. I wouldn't have to worry about stigma and society's standards.

But I've conformed (since young).
Into the materialistic and ever so-'civilized' present.
And now I'm masking myself because society tells me to, because I'm afraid of confronting my savage-self and be alone forever.