Overflow

I have forgotten how therapeutic writing can be. I used to spend nights writing. I'd be calm after putting my thoughts to words. But I've had my wake up call. It happened minutes ago. You talked about distance in our relationship. I don't like the idea of emotional distance. I don't think I can handle emotional separation. It is simply too much for me. Maybe I may not verbally able to explain my thoughts and irrational fears to you. Perhaps writing them, may help.

I was optimistic once. I had positiveness. I was witty, funny. I had creativity. I was ambitious. Life seemed easy.
As I am typing this. I feel like a pessimist. I am negative. I've become serious. Sarcastic. I lack in the creative department. I doubt. I overthink. And all of these strain our relationship. So here are my thoughts. I'll deconstruct them here. And after this, I promise it ends.

To begin with, I have been surrounded by many ugly truths from the texts I've read. It is not like I have never been exposed to them before. But I absorbed it all with naivete. I wasn't aware of the intricacies of a simple human right violation. Wars aren't just wars because people's skins are black or white as I have been taught in middle school. Wars are tools to eliminate subversives. Subversives of individuals who defy against the norm. And who would have thought complexities exists within the UN Declaration of Human Rights? The fact that it is written by a white man, shows it lacks cultural relativism. Colonization still exists, and globalization is proof of that. You're right. I hold emotional attachment to the things I learn. I get passionate when I start debating. The thought of CHANGE and PEACE has manifested and I become obsessed with it. Honestly, the thought of a unanimity in accomplishing a goal just seem impossible. World peace...I once thought to be attainable. But as I continue to deconstruct, I have become accepted to the notion that World Peace has many definitions. Humanity is selfish. My definition of peace is different from the person sitting beside me.

We want to legitimize our individual definition of peace, so that everyone becomes subordinate to it. Because we like power. We like to be on top. And we like to be right. I know I like to be right. I like to be on top, I am an overachiever after all. And I like to hear myself talk, and I barely listen. It happens in every arguments I've had with you. So you see, the world is filled with six billion people who seek their definition of "rightness" and "power" like me. Six billion people who won't just shut up and are not willing to compromise.... I'm one of them.

It's funny really, that I find flaws within the system and I can somehow connect it to my relationship with you. At the same time, it scares me. It made me realize that the things I do, the uncompromising side of me, may be little, but it certainly impacts the larger picture. How can I ask for compromise and diplomacy in the world, when I am myself unwilling to listen and open up to other perspectives? It's a contradiction, on my part.

I've been waking up every morning, with the burden of my thoughts. I wonder each day, what have I done to contribute to change. And every night, I concluded that I've done nothing. It depresses me. My problem is that I am restless with my lack of involvement. I've had too much time on my hands, that I've been thinking. I should stop thinking and start acting. At the same time, I may have subconsciously done little things, but I haven't realized or visually seen the impact of it. I used to think, that a simple smile to a stranger would make someone's day. I've done that in high school, and people have seen me as 'Smiley Shafiqah'. So, as silly as it sounds, I've been smiling to my bus driver, and thank him/her before I get off the bus. When I see familiar faces I've seen in my lecture halls, I smile at them...I can only hope it's something. Smiling, afterall, is healthy.

The root of my problem overall, is this. I used to think I know it all. I have been so certain to be a lawyer, that it became too concrete for a change of path. Part of is, is the idea that too many people know of this ambition of mine. Everyone knows, I want to be a lawyer. So when I start thinking of an alternate career or path, I get restless. I wouldn't want to know what others would think of a dream deferred. But I forget, that nobody can make me happy, but myself. Especially when it comes to dreams. This is my dream, and nobody elses'.

As I sit here, I know for certain that lawyers are activists. I have always been drawn to the idea of defending one's rights. I've even seen myself defending at an international level. Now, I wonder why the need to justify this ambition? Why do I doubt this?
I think I'm afraid to take someone else's problems at my hands. I doubt, because even I have unsolved problems. I have problems that I find hard to comprehend. I have problems that has no definite resolutions yet. So who am I to solve someone else's problems?
I think it seems hypocritical to help someone, when I am in a hole already. But, in every occupation, double standardness exists. A sick person can still become a doctor, just like how an ignorant may become a teacher and a dentist have imperfect teeth. Life is not just black and white, there are different shades of grey. So we are not perfect, but we want to specialize something that make us look like hypocrites. For what it's worth, hopefully our skills eventually make us less hypocritical. For me, I hope it enhances my conflict resolution.

You quoted today, that if I want to change something, I should begin by changing myself. Change cannot happen with negativity. Neither can it occur when I hold so much insecurity with myself. I need to change myself before I think about changing the world.

I have been confused and overwhelmed with the transitions in my life. I have accepted that completely and I believe that I have adapted to the change in environment. Regardless, as much as the change is perspective has been a significant aspect, I do not think it constitutes to my problem.

My problem, is insecurity and doubt. I am insecure of what others think of me and how I perceive myself, and I doubt the path that lies ahead of me. I doubt because of the materials I've read in class. I doubt because of the complications of the world. Because of the truth. I doubt the truth because I refused to accept it.
I become insecure of myself because I'm afraid to defer from my path. I am insecure of what others think of me not accomplishing my dreams. Importantly, I am insecure because I found my weaknesses and fears. Now that I know myself, I will convert it to strength.

I am not insecure anymore, because only I can make myself happy. Doubting makes me overthink. I will stop wasting my time with doubt. I know what I want in my life and I am determined to achieve it.

I cannot risk sacrificing my relationship with you by distancing myself, my thoughts and my problems from you. I've been selfish about wanting you to listen when I don't reciprocate it when you speak. I considered your advice as criticisms and sought to dismiss it entirely because I didn't agree with it at the time. I refused to agree with it, because I wanted to believe that I'm always right. But really, I was wrong. And even more wrong to be dismissive. You always have the best interests for me, in everything that you do. I neglected you completely, and it was unappreciative.

I'm sorry for putting our relationship at stake.

There's no point in looking back now, and wishing things are different now. Our relationship will continue to evolve. We may not have the excitement, and chemistry we once had from the silence through msn conversations. But I will always feel my heart racing at the thought of you being beside me. You will always be the person I think of every morning and every night before I go to sleep. There is beauty in what we have. This, I know it to be unconditional. After many arguments, stress, misunderstandings and confusions, you've remained by my side. I am sorry for being ungrateful. I'm sorry for being complicated. Above all, I am sorry for putting you through so much.

You've endured so much. I don't think my 100 'sorry' can make up for it.
Thank you for being patient. I am not lying when I say, that I love you more everyday.

You're right. This was just a phase.
Tonight, I will sleep with a clear mind.
I've cleared up much thoughts I've had in my head.

Tomorrow is a new day.

P.S. If you notice, a lot of conclusions I've drawn, were things you've said to me. Things that I refused to listen to. I love you so much.