De ja -encore

I was staring into blank space. In the presence of deans and faculty members, standing on my pair of $10 black new heels my dad bought for me three months ago. I was hit with a sudden deja vu. No- maybe it was a recollection. A memory. Distilled from when I was in first year, around right about the same time. It was in March as well, in 2010.

I was discussing human trafficking back then, at Baker's Grill with the deans and faculty. And was the only one of the two students seated. Now here I am, standing with seven other students prep-talking myself in my head for a presentation. To share my experiences on Belize, and express my gratitude to the faculty for supporting the cause.

It puzzles me where the three years flew by. What confused me even more, was the whole presence of the dean and faculty was where it all began. And there I was this morning, about to present an end.

I was feeling nauseous. I couldn't tell if it was nervousness, or the cup of coffee I had mixing with my empty stomach. Or if it was simply the thought of being done university, hitting my core like a brick. I was caught off-guard by the reality of it all, I actually booked a grad-photo appointment as if I was on autopilot.

So much has happened in the years, that I have had little time to process....
For what it's worth, I know a lot of experiences have shaped me.

But it is still too early for nostalgia, yet.

Dial tone

You live life from a telephone booth,
While time bustles

And faces after faces
Of the hustling city
Passes you by

Blur themselves into memory's mirror
While the telephone glass
Braces clarity and sunlight
from the inside

& what conversations you have
That tell tales of wonder-
Sweet melodious voices
You hear
Through wires

Are trapped between buttons

Of numbers pressed on finger-
Tips, that click like the clinging coins

You spend time in your telephone booth
To waste time
While life and sand grain time circle around you.

Post-departure

I found the objectivity I was searching for. It was in the eyes of the thirteen people who sat around me. And it was in the affirmative tone of my voice, when I shared I will not be returning to Guatemala this year.

I found closure.
& clarity.

Punta Gorda, Belize

The gourd juice is leaving an after taste in my tongue. It is much too sweet. And I feel it dissolving to the back of my throat, mixing with the salty breaths of the ocean I am breathing. I am staring at the distance, where the purple orange horizon burn the lines of the ocean. The breeze lulls my mind away from the present. Into a space so far from here...

So much of this experience triggers memories and thoughts of my cultural identity. It is as if the Caribbean waves synchronizes itself to my heartbeat. Continuously, persistently...revealing to my minds eye: of who I am, who I have been all these while, in spite of where I have been and everything around me.

To my left, there are concrete houses by the shore, erected as if to defend from the vastness of the sea. If Punta Gorda is a kingdom, I wonder what struggles and sweetness it has endured. And I wonder how they compare to my own.

Belize puzzles me. Or maybe I am just thinking too much, like I always do, trying to make sense of everything around me.

I have seen caves, swam creeks, hiked into jungles, and now I am staring at the sea...
I have embraced a lot of things this country has offered me. And now I can feel the ocean's wind blowing frantically against me, reminding me to breathe.

& for some reason, I am reminded of mama's words, "seeing the world of creations, without forgetting the Creator"-

Thinking I finally understand now,
Believing, I can see it objectively now
Knowing, what it means to let go-
only to be begin again.

This is me. In full circle again. In Punta Gorda, just like once I was in Panajachel staring at the majestic Atitlan last year, witnessing the creations, and feeling the Creator's gaze upon me. As the wind sinks into my skin, as if to envelop me...

I feel tiny.
But differently.

-from my journal, written 22/02/13 at Asha's Kitchen dock, Punta Gorda, Belize.

Photocredit: Omar Khan

Clouds.

Don't ever expect someone to understand you, when even you don't understand yourself. I have never felt so clouded and confused in my life.

Things I have learned in Belize

• Belize's official language is English. But people speak Creole, Spanish, and Mayan dialects
• It is multicultural, consisting of Maya, Garifuna, Mestizo and many other heritages
• Education is based on Carribean curriculum
• Before entering high school, there is an exam called Pre-Secondary Exam which students have to sit for in their final primary school year (grade 6).

• Lubaantun is a Mayan temple with parts of it ruined by western archeologists' use of explosive for excavation.
• Since then, the locals would measure to precision the position and location of a rock/soil/sand before its removal
• A crystal skull was found in Lubaantun, however nobody knows who has it to date.
• Hair pieces, flutes and clay pieces continue to be discovered at the site
• Lubaantun was also a court for a mesoamerican ball game

• Paved roads were promised by Britain (Belize was a British colony) for years
• Recent construction of highways near villages anticipates a lot of movement which could be problematic
• Roads mean easier movement of drugs and gangs, which could increase violence
• However, it may also be beneficial to cut down travel time: as many students used to wake up at 3 am to bus for their 7am class

• Guatemala and Belize have an ongoing territorial conflict
• Claim made by Belize is that Guatemala does not respect the boundary
• There is a referendum in October to determine if the case should be brought to the International Courts
• Most Belizean (government and locals in San Pedro) are hesitant to take the matter to the courts, and would rather handle on their own (less formal).
• Guatemala has a bigger population than Belize.
• MLA (Maya Leaders Alliance) in Belize is a strong group which represents the rights of the Maya peoples. This group is also supported by Canadian and American lawyers
• The Toledo district (where San Pedro Columbia is located at), is a territory which risks being lost to Guatemala in this conflict.
• No formal border control between Guatemala and Belize

• A hydro plant near Tiger Cave generates electricity
• However the people of San Miguel and San Pedro have protested against the expansion of this plant
• Effects of pollution have caused traces of oil and mercury which lead to skin diseases
• Members of the MLA bring up issues such as these to the government.
• The MLA members are elected by the villages.

• Construction/labour work pays $2.50/$3.00 BZD per hour
• work is about 8 hours per day, but may be required to work overtime
• Work varies, depending on available companies
• Sometimes, travel and accomodation costs are not compensated
• Malaysian companies frequently visit for mahogany wood

• Traditional techniques of cultivating cacao beans continue to be practiced by the Maya community
• They are organic, environmentally friendly and sustainable methods
• Cacao was currency back in the Maya civilization.
• Only the rich in the Mayan history would drink cacao, as it was money. Approx. 100 beans could buy a human slave (ironic considering trafficking occurs today to cultivate cacao in Cote D'Ivoire).
• Today, locals have turned down multinational companies such as Nestle and Hershey because of their exploitative regimes
• Chocolates are traditionally made without using milk because grazing cows take up a lot of rainforest land. Also, sugar cane is used as the only sweetener to their chocolates (i.e. no other chemicals).

Overall, I'd say they are pretty advanced in terms of environmental sustainability...

Pieces

Don't buy me things, I will lose it.
Love me as I am, teach me what it means to be human, I'll remember u. 
Possibly for the rest of my life.