Dear Reader

You know what is the most messed up thing ever?
My willingness to publicize my life, through blogging. My voluntary position to exercise my creativity and writing style openly. Sometimes I reveal the most intimate details ever, because sometimes it comforts me that some odd reader out there sympathizes with me. So here and there, I may get comments that motivate me, and push my limits to stand back up again when I fall (I have complained many times about how terrible of a year it has been).

But at the same time, it bugs the crap out of me that someone out there may be entertained by my moments of masochism. May find pleasure at my moments of downfalls. Sadistic, I know.

But oh well.
I get sadistic sometimes too.
The world is subjective afterall.

So you, who read this.
Are you brave enough to admit your nosy-nature?

Bus of Personality

A girl with a pink spiky hair & pink ugg boots. An old man picking up a fight with another old lady on the bus, saying "That's my walker, what? You wanna frikin throw it out the window or somethin'?". Two couples intimately talking to each other, with the girl resting her head on the hollow of the guy's shoulder.

Then there's me.
Sitting beside Aliya, with a plank of cardboard in front of us.
It's a boxed table from Ikea.

So much sillyness on the bus.
It's really funny how everybody's lives seem vibrant on the surface.
But nobody really knows what secret we each have inside.

Myself, & nobody else

I am worthy.
I am who I am.
I should be nobody else.

I am surrounded by people around me. I am taking a great risk with the person I love the most and this can either make or break what we have. I can continue feeling worthless, neglected and uncared for. Or I can become confident, selfless and fearless. I chose the latter. My decision to take a step back is a sign of courage, so be proud of me. Because I have had faith all this while, I let my thoughts of unworthiness consume me. I let myself be pushed back, and taken advantage of. I need this to understand who I am. I need to learn to love myself again.

I don't know what changed. I don't know how one day, I woke up feeling neglected. But this is another test of faith for me...among many things I have been tested with thus far. It is naive of me to beg for the year to end quick, and just start new. It just doesn't work that way. All I need is God, and He will help me mend this broken piece of muscle inside of me. It doesn't matter if nobody is beside me. I can be happy.

I thought there's nowhere left to fall once you reach to bottom. Now I feel like I am at the bottom of the sinkhole. I feel trapped. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be angry. More than anything, I don't want to cry. But I embrace all of these feelings, because I am only human. I need to fall before I can fly. I need to feel pain to know this is real. More than anything, I promise to overcome this insecurity I have growing inside of me.

If I can learn to love myself and have the capacity to love others, then it should not matter if nobody loves me.
& I promise NOBODY but MYSELF that this will happen.

Vulnerability

Connection gives purpose to our lives. Shame is the fear of disconnection which is a part of vulnerability. We are all vulnerable, and in order for connection to happen, we need to acknowledge shame. Vulnerability is necessary and what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. The sense of worthiness is a sense of love and belonging. People with love and belonging believe they are worthy.

Let go of who you think you should be, and be you who are.
There is a willingness to do something without guarantees, or without predictability.

If you cannot measure it, it does not exist. If it exists, don't measure it often. Because when you measure, you start to have expectations. When you start expecting, what yields out may disappoint you. The more you measure what you have the more ungrateful you become.

We are all vulnerable, it is a part of being human.

We tend to numb our emotions...

If we numb vulnerability, we numb the effects of vulnerability which are happiness & joy. Perfection does not exist, but acceptance does. What we do affects others. So love with our hearts, without guarantees. Practice gratitude and joy.

More than anything.
Believe that you're enough.

I have an issue with vulnerability.

I struggle with worthiness.

I need to embrace who I am and disregard who I should be.

I have the T.V. turned on, with volume to the maximum.
It does little to make me feel less lonely.
No, I am not bored.
I feel pathetic.

This sucks.

I'm not first anymore.
I've become boring that's why.
If I was you, I'd do the same too...turn to other things.

The Only.

There's real,
& make believe,
This seems pretty real to me.
& I believe in it.

=) I am having one of those days, where I'd reread every text messages and msn conversations we had. Then I'd smile to myself thinking how lucky I really am.

I love you.