Indecisive

I think about things, and sometimes my thoughts manifest to an overwhelming paranoia. I don't remember what happened the past three months ago, but I always find excuses to say it was terrible and I wanted the year to end. I don't like feeling overwhelmed, and I don't like silence when I'm all alone at night. Silence makes me think. Thinking makes me feel messed up. When I feel that way, I blog. I write my heart out. I write because it calms me down.

But I was in a car, with my best friend and we drove past my high school. We drove past streets I used to walk to every morning to go to school. I grew up. That's what happened. We talked about memories of two years ago, but it felt like decades back. Time. Time. Time....it has always been about time. Rewind buttons do not exist. You experience something each day, and you will get nothing back, but just fragments of memories. Maybe sometimes, you get a feeling inside of you, like warm fluid draining through your heart down to your stomach. I felt that. And I started thinking, and feeling paranoid.

I don't want 2011 to come yet. Okay, maybe I do. Or not. I don't know. Never mind, I'm just confused really.

I feel so old.