Too often we conflate love for happiness, and happiness with love.

Love is not happiness.
Love is not suffering either.
Happiness is not love.

And when I once thought I had love all figured out. And found unconditionality of it....

The pages of my books flipped. The lights are switched and I am left with a white glare.

I still don't know what love is.

Rolling Pin

I don't know how many pavement steps
It takes to sit on when my knees give way
For my mind to smooth over my thoughts
Like rolling pin over dough

Paraphrasing relationships

Distance made us miss,
But missing was like the wind
It caused turbulence only capable
Of destruction in isolation

Maybe I was reckless with my words
My promises were undelivered
While you were little with words
Your ambitiousness sealed like decree

When hope was all that enveloped us

Your parts and my parts
Are now laid out in the open
On a canvas of a field like a picnic mat
Where our flaws and wounds display
Disfigured hearts we hold in our hands
& our knees stained in dirt

We break when we're breathing
We hurt when we're dreaming
We obviously still love

But we're incapable of fixing.

Broken shelves need fixing

I am the shelf that holds you
Collecting dust with time,
Lean and neglected against the wall
I carried your books that shared pages-
After pages of stories;
Of memories....
But even torn, chapters remain.

30/10/13

I arrived Ottawa at 2 am and the cab driver complimented me for my smile and for my positive attitude. Little did he know what I was I feeling. He made me laugh throughout my ride home, and it felt wonderful to actually laugh. Without forcefully making my cheeks turn, pretentiously trying to fool myself.

I woke up 4 hours later, dreading to get ready for work. But I made it up somehow, even though it was dark out. A fragile old lady sat at the bus stop smiling at me as it snowed out. I was too distracted by the sound of my own thoughts to realize it. But how beautiful and soothing it was, I almost teared up....

I had a cookie dough ice-cream from Laura Secord with some coworkers...I was afraid it would only leave my insides colder than it already is. But I was surprised to find it warmed the childishness inside of me a little. To be receiving a text from an old friend, halfway across the world made me realize how real this all is to me. To forget myself, and be reminded of who I am came like an aftershock. I didn't think I'd make the bus ride home without breaking. But I did, and I let it all out the moment I got off, and I am not ashamed.

I'm still cold, but the numbness is wearing off a little. But what I really need is clarity. I need direction. Re-reading text messages only make me feel horrible...I didn't think I'd be capable of so much hurt.

conflicted

Guess I can still feel after all.
Being in a stalemate sucks,
Especially when matters pertain to the heart.

Don't break, you did this to yourself.