Hello

I had an interesting conversation with a stranger on the OC transpo bus today. Most stories worthy of sharing happens during my bus rides it seems. He said hi to me and I returned with a hello. Then he said I was the first to respond to him all day. He finds it funny that people in Ottawa consider certain gestures awkward or creepy. Like the hello for example. We went on and discussed the social limits to friendliness, and I shared with him my little reverse-culture shock experience post-Guatemala. I told him I felt that I connected with people when there is a language barrier easier than with those who speak the same language as me. It is funny, considering I had always thought Ottawa to be friendlier before, but I guess my honey-moon phase with this city is over.

Our conversation lasted fifteen minutes, until the bus stopped at my destination. I do not recall asking for his name, neither did he ask for mine. But it was quite a moment that made my day, I think.

I like being acknowledged. I appreciated that little chat with a stranger. Life stories matter, no matter how short they are, I think I benefited a lesson from each.

Afterglow

Even if the full moon wanes
Between forests of trees
& the rustling of leaves-
Persuade me;

I have sealed my possessions
They no longer possess me

So let the branches bark,
& cold wind dance
A footprint left behind
On frozen mud;

The night makes me a stranger
Only to the self
I'll let the nightingale
Sing to me.

Tea

The red gerbera in my room definitely makes everything more lively.
I am glad I picked up the bouquet for myself today.
Sipping vanilla tea, and savouring my home-made strawberry pavlova.
While what is left of daylight streams through my window pane.

I am at ease and feel content at the moment.
Life is good.

A walk to nostalgia

Two Saturdays ago, the weather was lovely. My heart leaped at the sight of spring arriving. For once I thought, my sunburnt nose will find itself at home for a change. The sunglasses tan transformed my face into a human Rudolph (the red-nosed reindeer). Omar would often tease me because of how silly I looked. Even though I often fussed about it, I have accepted it as a little gift or souvenir from my short trip.

I decided to wear my favourite skirt, and dress up a little different than usual. Well, my fedora made it different. I don't usually wear hats except in the winter. Other than that, I was dressed the same minus a winter jacket. I was healing from the whole post- Guatemala fever.  To be in a lighter mood, seemed unusual. Yet at the same time it felt nice.

Christine is one of my best friends. Every other weekend, we'd often land ourselves in an adventure of some sort. We took a walk to Major Hill park, where our friendship started three years ago. And naturally I was brought back to the memory of  starting university in first year. Finding myself in a full circle, at a landmark of where it all began.

It felt symbolic. Mind you, Guatemala has left me really sensitive. I had become softer, introspective and more of a hermit than usual.

I couldn't help but compare the past to the present. My fear of loneliness back then, even though I was in the presence of three new friends. How loneliness I struggled to accept as a 'friend'. Today I appreciate privacy, and would seize every opportunity to be on my own. I learned that I needed loneliness to reflect. And reflection is key to my growth.

Being in a city, on my own, and fearing uncertainty. Foreignness overwhelmed me. However, in that moment, I felt I had conquered an unknown territory and called it my own. My week trip to Guatemala proved my capability at adapting, and how easily it is for me to mark corners of the earth as another home. But what confuses me is that the feeling of uncertainty hasn't changed. I felt it remained within me as I walked along the side walk and faced the Ottawa river...

What is the difference between unknown territory and uncertainty? Perhaps one is a physical location I can literally set my foot on. But not the other lies within my heart and head. One is definitely dependent on the other, I think. Uncertainty is a feeling caused by an unknown territory. I can only overcome uncertainty, if I conquer an unknown territory. But there are many unknown territories in my life....and in the moment, I had passed by some but not all.

Such is life. A series of unknown territories.

Ironic considering,Christine and I discovered an elevated territory near Major Hill park unknown to us before. We saw all of Ottawa and Gatineau up the trail. The skyline and bridges mesmerized me.

Christine's presence made me appreciate our friendship more. I loved her company. She has a vibrant personality that leaves me inevitably giggling during my most sentimental and nostalgic moments. We sat at a patio outdoor a little after sunset to have chocolate cake and  apple-cinnamon tea at a dessert shop called Memories. Even the name of the cafe invoked nostalgia.

Christine and I spilled every stories and shared every latest struggles we had then. She told me that she would never have thought someone as "popular" as I, would end up being her friend. I had never thought myself as popular, mostly because I  see myself more as a dork or geek than anything. I couldn't help but choke back tears when she said that. Christine knows every insecurity I have undergone since I first moved to Ottawa. If there is one thing I have come to realize in that moment, was how vulnerable we both really are. How our struggles were so different, yet we had something in common. It made me feel less alone.....

How liberating it felt to laugh and be myself again.
And how amazing time flew by, to mark three years of our friendship.

Cork board

I crave certainty. But the older I get, the more spontaneity unravels itself before me. It used to be that I had my future charted on a map. With deadlines of routines and agendas of where I should be. I knew what I wanted. Embraced what I needed. Against all odds, I'd chase after it. The adrenaline thrilled me.

But something has changed.
Like a deck of cards, my priorities reshuffled itself.
The charted map, became uncharted. My plans unpinned from the cork board, and all that I am left with is a pile of colourful thumbnails on the shelf.

This is where I am at.
Now I am wondering, is it worth re-pinning it all back to the board?
Or is life uncharted worth exploring?

Write simply.

Be all that you envy
Or be all that you can be

Perhaps in between.

But what motivates me?

Paradox

Change is a constant. Philosophers have pondered the nature of changes. But I continue to be awed by what power and capability change has over an individual. Change can weaken a man, only to translate weakness into strength. It can hurt, only to seal an open wound and heal. Then it heals the pain, only to cut the sewn threads and reveal another wound.

 It breaks and glues. Then it glues, to break itself again. It is life's greatest paradox.

Change is growth.

For one cannot grow, without overcoming a difference.

Change is the difference.

It is a test of faith.
Design to challenge your limits and boundaries,
More than anything,
It questions your intentions and genuineness.